Pregnancy Processing

So I'm about 15 weeks in and where do I start?

Ok, first, I love being pregnant. I'm so thankful for this sweet little friend growing inside me, I can't express it enough. Even though there are things that are uncomfortable and scary about this process, I'm so so so thankful. I'm past the sickness part and also SUPER thankful for that. My appetite is growing exponentially it seems. I ate more for dinner last night than I thought possible and still wasn't full and today I had two lunches. I've never felt this constantly hungry and if I wait too long to eat, it's not pretty. I've never been a grumpy hungry person before, but now I am.

Second, teaching while pregnant is really hard. I'm on my feet all day and they swell more than usual. I'm just more tired, don't have my regular energy and yes of course, more irritable. I try to be patient with my sweet kids, but sometimes, I just can't do it and I get really frustrated really quick, so that's always a challenge. Thank the Lord for sweet kids in all of my classes this year.

Third, I'm really realizing that my struggles with perfectionism, fear and worry are kinda intense. With the perfectionism: I'm not a Type A person who has to have everything perfect all the time, but when I want to do something well, I want to do it perfectly. Take this pregnancy for example. I want more than most things to mother this child rightly. I want to be the mother God intended me to be and love and nurture this baby without anything getting in the way or screwing this child up or giving him/her issues. Of course that's not possible. I'm going to do things wrong and mess up and have to apologize to him/her one day for several things probably. So I'm working on renouncing the pride of perfectionism. It does come from pride, thinking that I could do it perfectly for even a second and not being humble enough to admit that I need to stay humbly kneeled before Jesus constantly relying on His help.

I'm also having a hard time not worrying. I mean I know it's normal probably to worry, but I feel like it's constant with me and I want so badly to enjoy this pregnancy. This comes from my tendency to try to prepare myself for the bad I think, and not trusting God to just help me handle it if something bad does happen. I keep remembering, I have nothing to be worried or sad about. Everything has been positive. We've heard the heartbeat 3 times and had an ultrasound last week and he/she looked perfect! So I'm also working on constantly giving my fear to the Lord and focusing on Him and not my fear. Being afraid and worrying is kind of my attempt to control things so I have to constantly let go of having control and trust God with it.

So that's where I am. Just wanted to write all of that out, more for me to go back and read than anything else. I can't wait to have a big belly and I'll post pictures of that later. Can't wait to meet our son or daughter. :)

Update

So I wrote that last post the week after I found out I had the miscarriage. That was a tough week, ending with Mother's Day on that Sunday. Ugh. I don't want to relive that ever again.

BUT...I want to also write some things I've learned while processing that experience.

First, I learned to LET GO. I am not the giver or sustainer of life. God is. I can't do His job. I have to trust Him with everything. And that means I have to stop trying to prepare myself for the worst, which is something I've always struggled with. He really taught me through this experience and a couple of other hard ones in the last few months that He is in control, I am not and whatever happens, He will be there to catch me when things get really hard. That was one of the best things about going through all that pain, knowing that my pain was not too much for Him. He will always be there in the hard, excrutiatingly painful stuff and the extremely happy stuff. There is a place for my pain to go. He died to take not only our sin, but the pain we experience as well. And so when things feel unbearably hard, He is there ready to take it at the cross. What an amazing and beautiful thing.

Second, I learned more about His intimate compassion for us. One night while I was really hurting and actually pretty angry that He has allowed this to happen, He said, "Stephanie, I know what it's like to lose a child. I know this pain and I'm so sorry." What an amazing God that we love, that He knows how all of our pain feels. He is so near to us, even when we're angry and He knows exactly how we feel.

Third, and this is the biggest one for me, I learned that my salvation and my relationship with God is not dependent on me. To explain that a little, because of some teaching I received a couple of years ago and because of my own guilt complexes and struggles, I started to really doubt my salvation. I think I had probably always thought I had to work to earn God's love, and these last two years just highlighted it. Well when I got pregnant I was afraid that if I lost the baby I would have this huge crisis of faith and doubt God's goodness. He had really done some great healing in my heart about how I see him right before I found out I was pregnant, and when I lost that, something so precious and something He knew I had wanted for so long, I was afraid I would lose the healing He had done and not see Him as good and loving anymore and maybe become hard hearted towards Him. Well, praise God that He didn't let me go down that road. I did spend some time after the miscarriage being pretty angry and angry at Him, not understanding why He would allow that to happen. And as He pulled me through that, I realized I can choose. I can have a faith that is dependent on understanding why every bad thing happens and on understanding all of the complexities of the sovereignty and permissive will of God OR I can be ok with not understanding the Creator of the universe. And I can trust Him even though I don't understand. That was huge for me to let go of the need to figure it out and just trust that He loves me and has what's best for me even when it doesn't feel like it.

And as I looked back a couple of months later on how He had really begun to heal my heart from the grief of the miscarriage and I was thinking about how He really did pull me through that, I thought about how much He pursued me  during that time, and even when I was angry, He didn't turn away or leave me. And then He said, "Right, because I am the pursuer, our relationship is because of my pursuit of you and has nothing to do with what you to do earn it." And then it clicked, I think for the first time in my life, that I don't have to earn it. He loves me with an everlasting love and has known me and pursued me since even before I was born. When you get that, it completely changes the way you relate to God. What an amazing blessing, what amazing grace, what an amazing God.

So looking back, of course I'm still sad that I lost that baby. And what I learned through the process of losing him (we feel like it was a boy) was amazing and life changing, but would I change things? I'm not sure. I think I will always be sad for losing that child. But I am also thankful for God's faithfulness in teaching me more about who He is through such a loss, and I know that our first child is in Heaven with the Father and really what other place would I want my children to be?

I'd also like to say before I say something else that I really came to that place about 2 months after the miscarriage when I had no idea if I would be pregnant again or when not because I'm super awesome, but because God did that without distracting me with another pregnancy and I really appreciate that now. Praise the Lord.

So now...I am pregnant again. We heard the heartbeat yesterday and we are so thankful. I'm struggling not to worry, but I know that whatever happens, God will be there when it does.

When it gets hard...

The Lord is faithful in all his words and kind in all his works. The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You and You give them their food in due season. You open your hand, You satisfy the desire of every living thing. Ps.145

Almost two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. After months and months of praying for this you can imagine how excited and thankful we were. I downloaded more pregnancy apps than I would care to admit, started telling family and friends and planned the next nine months if not two years of my life.

Then, last weekend I started showing signs of miscarriage. And my doctor appointment Monday morning confirmed it. When he told me, I kinda felt like I had been punched in the stomach or that I might puke right there in the doctor's office. I didn't, thank the Lord. There was just a lot of crying.

Why am I writing about something so personal and private on the world wide web??? Because no one really ever talks much about this. They may say twenty years after it happened, oh yeah, I had a miscarriage, but no one talks about it in the middle of it. And even if people did talk more about this process, there's no step by step book about how you grieve the loss of a child you never met, but definitely felt a connection to.

So, while I'm still an emotional wreck, I'd like to at least type out what the last few days of grief have been like/what I'm learning through this process. And I know I'm not the first or only person to ever go through this, but it is a profound sadness like I've never experienced before. No amount of break ups or other kind of loss can prepare you for the feelings of losing an unborn child.

Before I start, please know that I'm not deluding myself or trying to stuff what I'm actually feeling. I have cried more than I thought possible and tried to continue to give that grief to the Lord. The blessings I've been experiencing even in this loss are not my "good Christian way" of making myself feel better. I am actually experiencing God's grace and strength in this process.

One of the first things I've noticed is that God's grace has been overwhelming in this situation. And that's not just some fake spiritual mumbo jumbo. I mean I can really feel Him sustaining me and saying to me over and over again, "This will not overcome you. No sadness is too much for me to bear with and for you. I love you and I'm sorry." I can feel His compassion over me and for me as I grieve this loss. I also am comforted knowing that the child I was blessed to carry for six weeks is with Him now, already made perfect in His kingdom, in unbroken communion with the Father, and really what else could you want for your child?

Another huge blessing in this is I'm not at some huge crisis of faith. I'm not saying that if someone is, that's wrong, but when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified that if something happened to the baby it would cause me to doubt God's goodness, and that even though He has recently done some huge healing in my heart with the way I see Him, that might not stick if things got hard. He has so gently shown me since I thought I was having a miscarriage that my default was not to question His goodness, but to turn to Him with how I was feeling. He's shown me that if nothing else comes of this, the knowledge that He is good and He loves us and wants the best for us has really sunken down deep into my heart. That is a HUGE shift from how I used to see and relate to God.

For someone really afraid of dealing with emotional or physical pain, this has also taught me that God will sustain me no matter what and He will help me shoulder the burden of whatever pain I'm feeling. It may suck and it may hurt like hell, but He will bring me through it and has never and will never abandon me.

 Let's be real about the hard part of all this, it really does suck. I wanted that baby. I was so excited about that little life and amazed at the fact that it was growing inside my body. One of the crapiest things about being at the doctor's office Monday morning and finding that out, was all the sad looks I got from people as I walked by. They all knew and were sad for me. I appreciate their sympathy, but in that moment, I didn't want pity from the 8 months pregnant moms. I kinda just wanted to be invisible. The staff at the office was great, but nothing can really prepare you for finding out you've lost your baby and then having to walk by all the moms with all of their kids. Yes, that's how I really felt. And the thought of having to try and wait and go through that whole process of getting pregnant again exhausts me. Just thinking about all the emotions we've been through wears me out, but I know God will provide us with a family, the family He has for us. I know He knows our children before He starts forming them in my womb. And I know He is trustworthy with my emotions and my future and He is with me every step of the way.

God has also shown me what amazing support I have in my life. Our friends and family have been amazing the past few days, offering countless prayers and wonderfully sweet emails and phone calls just to encourage and lift us up. And while of course that doesn't take the pain away, I am encouraged by the fact that so many people are praying for us and empathizing with us. I'm overwhelmed by the love in our lives even as I feel all of these emotions.

So all that to say, this has been an up and down experience and I know I'm not finished grieving yet, but God is giving me the grace to see the blessings in all the sadness. He has provided for us and will continue to do so.

And while this is one of the hardest things I've been through, I've never felt God's compassion so closely or so heavily on and around me. It's like a blanket that's covering my life as I continue to process my feelings with Him. I am so thankful for that.

The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them. The Lord preserves all who love Him. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord and let all flesh bless His holy name forever and ever. Ps. 145

Reflections

So recently one of my students read all of my blog posts. I mean all of them and then quoted them back to me and her whole Spanish class. I felt a little exposed, and then decided to go back and read all of my old posts just to make sure everything sounded ok for a high school student.

While I was reading it really hit me how far I've come in the last 10 years and and even in the last couple of years. It's so encouraging to know that God is bringing us along into who He created us to be every single day. I'm so thankful for the healing He has done in me and around me. So many things I prayed for, begged for, He has accomplished, and I could not be happier with where He has me right now. Of course there are several things I know He needs to work out and will be working out of me when I'm 80 years old, but it's so nice to look back and see real progress. The way I look at life, marriage and especially God and the way He sees me have changed drastically even in the last two years. God is so good and is faithful to heal and transform us when we put ourselves before him.

Thanks for reading, Lacey.

Farms

Well I just posted a few hours ago how happy I am to be getting so much of our food from family farms and how much healthier I am because of it. In the recent months there have been increasing farm raids where government agents come in and pretty much destroy family farms without a lot of proof to do it with. Kristen at Food Renegade explains it better here so I'll let you read it form her, but it is seriously worth supporting farms so that we can have locally, organically grown food and because the government is getting ridiculous in telling us what we can and cannot eat.

Is it just me or does all this TSA stuff and farm raiding make anyone else feel like they're living in 1984? Ugh.

Where my food comes from...

If you've ever read this blog or talked to me for very long about food, you know the last couple of years have been a journey toward eating more whole and, recently, more locally grown food. It's been an interesting and educational ride and in the last couple of months, we've moved to getting our food from more farms and I'm so excited about it.

I realized the other day that I get most of my food from places other than the grocery store now. I used to read blog posts about people who got all their food from farmers markets or local farms and think, yeah right, but now I understand how feasible it really is to eat mostly locally grown, whole food.

So here is where I get my food:

Fruits, Veggies and Eggs: Grow Alabama-This is a local CSA. A CSA is a way to support local farmers by paying, for us, a monthly fee and eating a certain number of fruits and veggies from local farmers for that month. We get 10 servings of 5-7 different fruits and veggies as well as eggs per week. This organization is awesome because you can choose all your fruits and veggies online and they are delivered to a central location once a week for pick up.

MILK-I finally found a source for raw milk and I'm still working on drinking my first two gallons that I picked up. I keep two quarts at a time in the fridge and the rest is frozen until we can drink it. In Alabama it's illegal to buy raw milk straight from the farmer, so you buy a share of the cow and then you can do whatever you want with the milk, including drink it! :) It's delicious and I think the health benefits of that combined with eating the grass fed beef have really beefed up (no pun intended) my immune system. Usually by this point in the school year I've had a couple of colds and this year not one so far. I have to believe it's a drastic change in my diet and getting plenty of sleep. I am feeling a little under the weather right now, but my husband has had walking pneumonia and I can feel my body fighting it off. For someone who used to run out of sick days every year at work, the fact that I'm fighting off walking pneumonia and not totally grossly sick right now is a BIG deal.

Bread: I've made my own bread a couple of times and want to keep doing that. I found a great recipe from Musings of a Housewife that makes four loaves at one time, but I just haven't had time to do it in the last few weeks. When I get some time off from work, I want to make several batches and freeze it. So right now we get the bread with the least offensive ingredients from Publix.

BEEF: We've started ordering all of our beef and butter from US Wellness Meats. This site is AWESOME! They have 100% grass fed beef from different farmers all over the country. They ship it to you frozen in a cooler that keeps it frozen even if it sits outside because we're not home yet. You have to order $75 of food at a time, but there's only a $7.50 shipping and handling charge no mater how much you order! We finally got an extra freezer and so we order in bulk now (20-25lbs.) and freeze it until we're ready to eat it. We've bought mostly ground beef and the hamburgers we're making in our cast iron skillet with the beef are AMAZING. Best burgers I've ever had.

Miscellaneous: I still get our chicken from Cost Co. They have organic, but I'm going to ask my milk guy soon about getting some of his free range chickens. We also get Larabars from Cost Co. They are awesome for snacks and have only whole food ingredients. And I drink a good supply of unsweet tea that sometimes we make at home and sometimes we buy Milo's Unsweet Tea at the grocery store. It only has water and tea in it.

I think that's pretty much it. I'm sure I missed a couple of things, but that's the majority of our food right now. I know to some people it's completely crazy to venture outside of a perfectly good grocery store for food or to drive over an hour to get milk, but I really think it's worth it. If it wasn't, I wouldn't do it. I'm so excited I'm getting back to eating the way people used to before processed food and high fructose corn syrup!

A few things...

It's getting to that point in the school year where I am really tired of hearing my name.

I am OBSESSED with old fashion root beer lately. My hubby found a sampler pack of root beer at World Market and I look forward to having one every day.

God is really teaching me to trust His timing and His ability and willingness to answer my prayers.

I don't like heights. I never will, no matter how many ropes courses I visit or turn down. I have nightmares about being in high places and not being able to get down.

North Alabama is...interesting with the anti-meth signs, the snake handling churches and the mullets.

Life Quest Challenge Course (in north Alabama) is really cool and great for field trips where you want to build a sense of teamwork.

When people pressure me to do something, I get really set on not doing it. You should ask me about the deer meat incident sometime.

I am super blessed.

Book Review: Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth

This is one of Oprah's people. She's been on her show a couple of times and my mom told me about it, so I thought I'd try the book.

The premise of the book is good. It's all about women and their relationship to food. And I think her whole point is when we're eating we don't really stop to think about our food or why we're eating. A lot of us eat to medicate how we're really feeling. Case in point, I had two girls ask me today, "Does cake make everything better or does it just make things feel better?" Wise little teenagers. So she talks about all the conferences she's done and the self-discovery that's happened there about the women who used to binge eat (and I mean binge) and then how they discover why they were really doing it and how they're able to let it go. She also tells her own story with food which is pretty intense.

I think one of the best points she talks about is that we eat to escape pain because we're too afraid to feel what we're really feeling. I think we all do that with food or something. I know I do. I'm terrified of hurting. I try to avoid it at all costs. Even though I really want emotional and spiritual health more than most things, I have a hard time working through the painful stuff. It's hard for me to sit in the pain. But Ms. Roth talks about how we eat to numb because we're afraid that if we let ourselves feel what we're really feeling, it will annihilate us, overcome and consume us. I know I've felt that before.

So she tells people to sit and let the pain come and face it instead of eating it away. And I totally agree with that. It's hard, but worth it.

The parts of the book I have a hard time with are the fact that she doesn't give any place for the pain to go and her version of God and my God are not the same thing. I didn't really expect them to be, but when you're dealing with monumental emotional pain, you need God to be God, solid, trustworthy, rock, gentle, humble, Savior that can take your pain because He's already suffered to save you from all sin and pain.

So if I could add something to the book, and I can, because this is my blog, I would say, sit and think about how you're really feeling next time you're eating because you're sad, angry, depressed, anxious, worried, afraid...And let it come. And enter into God's Presence. And ask Him to be there with you. It's one thing to let the pain come and sit there and hurt. It's completely different to hurt in His Presence. And then when you've let it all come out, give it to Him, every last ounce of fear or grief. He will take it and fill you up with His love and truth.