WHOLE

Pregnancy Processing

2011-09-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm about 15 weeks in and where do I start?

Ok, first, I love being pregnant. I'm so thankful for this sweet little friend growing inside me, I can't express it enough. Even though there are things that are uncomfortable and scary about this process, I'm so so so thankful. I'm past the sickness part and also SUPER thankful for that. My appetite is growing exponentially it seems. I ate more for dinner last night than I thought possible and still wasn't full and today I had two lunches. I've never felt this constantly hungry and if I wait too long to eat, it's not pretty. I've never been a grumpy hungry person before, but now I am.

Second, teaching while pregnant is really hard. I'm on my feet all day and they swell more than usual. I'm just more tired, don't have my regular energy and yes of course, more irritable. I try to be patient with my sweet kids, but sometimes, I just can't do it and I get really frustrated really quick, so that's always a challenge. Thank the Lord for sweet kids in all of my classes this year.

Third, I'm really realizing that my struggles with perfectionism, fear and worry are kinda intense. With the perfectionism: I'm not a Type A person who has to have everything perfect all the time, but when I want to do something well, I want to do it perfectly. Take this pregnancy for example. I want more than most things to mother this child rightly. I want to be the mother God intended me to be and love and nurture this baby without anything getting in the way or screwing this child up or giving him/her issues. Of course that's not possible. I'm going to do things wrong and mess up and have to apologize to him/her one day for several things probably. So I'm working on renouncing the pride of perfectionism. It does come from pride, thinking that I could do it perfectly for even a second and not being humble enough to admit that I need to stay humbly kneeled before Jesus constantly relying on His help.

I'm also having a hard time not worrying. I mean I know it's normal probably to worry, but I feel like it's constant with me and I want so badly to enjoy this pregnancy. This comes from my tendency to try to prepare myself for the bad I think, and not trusting God to just help me handle it if something bad does happen. I keep remembering, I have nothing to be worried or sad about. Everything has been positive. We've heard the heartbeat 3 times and had an ultrasound last week and he/she looked perfect! So I'm also working on constantly giving my fear to the Lord and focusing on Him and not my fear. Being afraid and worrying is kind of my attempt to control things so I have to constantly let go of having control and trust God with it.

So that's where I am. Just wanted to write all of that out, more for me to go back and read than anything else. I can't wait to have a big belly and I'll post pictures of that later. Can't wait to meet our son or daughter. :)

Update

2011-08-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

So I wrote that last post the week after I found out I had the miscarriage. That was a tough week, ending with Mother's Day on that Sunday. Ugh. I don't want to relive that ever again.

BUT...I want to also write some things I've learned while processing that experience.

First, I learned to LET GO. I am not the giver or sustainer of life. God is. I can't do His job. I have to trust Him with everything. And that means I have to stop trying to prepare myself for the worst, which is something I've always struggled with. He really taught me through this experience and a couple of other hard ones in the last few months that He is in control, I am not and whatever happens, He will be there to catch me when things get really hard. That was one of the best things about going through all that pain, knowing that my pain was not too much for Him. He will always be there in the hard, excrutiatingly painful stuff and the extremely happy stuff. There is a place for my pain to go. He died to take not only our sin, but the pain we experience as well. And so when things feel unbearably hard, He is there ready to take it at the cross. What an amazing and beautiful thing.

Second, I learned more about His intimate compassion for us. One night while I was really hurting and actually pretty angry that He has allowed this to happen, He said, "Stephanie, I know what it's like to lose a child. I know this pain and I'm so sorry." What an amazing God that we love, that He knows how all of our pain feels. He is so near to us, even when we're angry and He knows exactly how we feel.

Third, and this is the biggest one for me, I learned that my salvation and my relationship with God is not dependent on me. To explain that a little, because of some teaching I received a couple of years ago and because of my own guilt complexes and struggles, I started to really doubt my salvation. I think I had probably always thought I had to work to earn God's love, and these last two years just highlighted it. Well when I got pregnant I was afraid that if I lost the baby I would have this huge crisis of faith and doubt God's goodness. He had really done some great healing in my heart about how I see him right before I found out I was pregnant, and when I lost that, something so precious and something He knew I had wanted for so long, I was afraid I would lose the healing He had done and not see Him as good and loving anymore and maybe become hard hearted towards Him. Well, praise God that He didn't let me go down that road. I did spend some time after the miscarriage being pretty angry and angry at Him, not understanding why He would allow that to happen. And as He pulled me through that, I realized I can choose. I can have a faith that is dependent on understanding why every bad thing happens and on understanding all of the complexities of the sovereignty and permissive will of God OR I can be ok with not understanding the Creator of the universe. And I can trust Him even though I don't understand. That was huge for me to let go of the need to figure it out and just trust that He loves me and has what's best for me even when it doesn't feel like it.

And as I looked back a couple of months later on how He had really begun to heal my heart from the grief of the miscarriage and I was thinking about how He really did pull me through that, I thought about how much He pursued me during that time, and even when I was angry, He didn't turn away or leave me. And then He said, "Right, because I am the pursuer, our relationship is because of my pursuit of you and has nothing to do with what you to do earn it." And then it clicked, I think for the first time in my life, that I don't have to earn it. He loves me with an everlasting love and has known me and pursued me since even before I was born. When you get that, it completely changes the way you relate to God. What an amazing blessing, what amazing grace, what an amazing God.

So looking back, of course I'm still sad that I lost that baby. And what I learned through the process of losing him (we feel like it was a boy) was amazing and life changing, but would I change things? I'm not sure. I think I will always be sad for losing that child. But I am also thankful for God's faithfulness in teaching me more about who He is through such a loss, and I know that our first child is in Heaven with the Father and really what other place would I want my children to be?

I'd also like to say before I say something else that I really came to that place about 2 months after the miscarriage when I had no idea if I would be pregnant again or when not because I'm super awesome, but because God did that without distracting me with another pregnancy and I really appreciate that now. Praise the Lord.

So now...I am pregnant again. We heard the heartbeat yesterday and we are so thankful. I'm struggling not to worry, but I know that whatever happens, God will be there when it does.

When it gets hard...

2011-05-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

The Lord is faithful in all his words and kind in all his works. The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You and You give them their food in due season. You open your hand, You satisfy the desire of every living thing. Ps.145

Almost two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. After months and months of praying for this you can imagine how excited and thankful we were. I downloaded more pregnancy apps than I would care to admit, started telling family and friends and planned the next nine months if not two years of my life.

Then, last weekend I started showing signs of miscarriage. And my doctor appointment Monday morning confirmed it. When he told me, I kinda felt like I had been punched in the stomach or that I might puke right there in the doctor's office. I didn't, thank the Lord. There was just a lot of crying.

Why am I writing about something so personal and private on the world wide web??? Because no one really ever talks much about this. They may say twenty years after it happened, oh yeah, I had a miscarriage, but no one talks about it in the middle of it. And even if people did talk more about this process, there's no step by step book about how you grieve the loss of a child you never met, but definitely felt a connection to.

So, while I'm still an emotional wreck, I'd like to at least type out what the last few days of grief have been like/what I'm learning through this process. And I know I'm not the first or only person to ever go through this, but it is a profound sadness like I've never experienced before. No amount of break ups or other kind of loss can prepare you for the feelings of losing an unborn child.

Before I start, please know that I'm not deluding myself or trying to stuff what I'm actually feeling. I have cried more than I thought possible and tried to continue to give that grief to the Lord. The blessings I've been experiencing even in this loss are not my "good Christian way" of making myself feel better. I am actually experiencing God's grace and strength in this process.

One of the first things I've noticed is that God's grace has been overwhelming in this situation. And that's not just some fake spiritual mumbo jumbo. I mean I can really feel Him sustaining me and saying to me over and over again, "This will not overcome you. No sadness is too much for me to bear with and for you. I love you and I'm sorry." I can feel His compassion over me and for me as I grieve this loss. I also am comforted knowing that the child I was blessed to carry for six weeks is with Him now, already made perfect in His kingdom, in unbroken communion with the Father, and really what else could you want for your child?

Another huge blessing in this is I'm not at some huge crisis of faith. I'm not saying that if someone is, that's wrong, but when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified that if something happened to the baby it would cause me to doubt God's goodness, and that even though He has recently done some huge healing in my heart with the way I see Him, that might not stick if things got hard. He has so gently shown me since I thought I was having a miscarriage that my default was not to question His goodness, but to turn to Him with how I was feeling. He's shown me that if nothing else comes of this, the knowledge that He is good and He loves us and wants the best for us has really sunken down deep into my heart. That is a HUGE shift from how I used to see and relate to God.

For someone really afraid of dealing with emotional or physical pain, this has also taught me that God will sustain me no matter what and He will help me shoulder the burden of whatever pain I'm feeling. It may suck and it may hurt like hell, but He will bring me through it and has never and will never abandon me.

Let's be real about the hard part of all this, it really does suck. I wanted that baby. I was so excited about that little life and amazed at the fact that it was growing inside my body. One of the crapiest things about being at the doctor's office Monday morning and finding that out, was all the sad looks I got from people as I walked by. They all knew and were sad for me. I appreciate their sympathy, but in that moment, I didn't want pity from the 8 months pregnant moms. I kinda just wanted to be invisible. The staff at the office was great, but nothing can really prepare you for finding out you've lost your baby and then having to walk by all the moms with all of their kids. Yes, that's how I really felt. And the thought of having to try and wait and go through that whole process of getting pregnant again exhausts me. Just thinking about all the emotions we've been through wears me out, but I know God will provide us with a family, the family He has for us. I know He knows our children before He starts forming them in my womb. And I know He is trustworthy with my emotions and my future and He is with me every step of the way.

God has also shown me what amazing support I have in my life. Our friends and family have been amazing the past few days, offering countless prayers and wonderfully sweet emails and phone calls just to encourage and lift us up. And while of course that doesn't take the pain away, I am encouraged by the fact that so many people are praying for us and empathizing with us. I'm overwhelmed by the love in our lives even as I feel all of these emotions.

So all that to say, this has been an up and down experience and I know I'm not finished grieving yet, but God is giving me the grace to see the blessings in all the sadness. He has provided for us and will continue to do so.

And while this is one of the hardest things I've been through, I've never felt God's compassion so closely or so heavily on and around me. It's like a blanket that's covering my life as I continue to process my feelings with Him. I am so thankful for that.

The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them. The Lord preserves all who love Him. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord and let all flesh bless His holy name forever and ever. Ps. 145

Reflections

2011-02-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

So recently one of my students read all of my blog posts. I mean all of them and then quoted them back to me and her whole Spanish class. I felt a little exposed, and then decided to go back and read all of my old posts just to make sure everything sounded ok for a high school student.

While I was reading it really hit me how far I've come in the last 10 years and and even in the last couple of years. It's so encouraging to know that God is bringing us along into who He created us to be every single day. I'm so thankful for the healing He has done in me and around me. So many things I prayed for, begged for, He has accomplished, and I could not be happier with where He has me right now. Of course there are several things I know He needs to work out and will be working out of me when I'm 80 years old, but it's so nice to look back and see real progress. The way I look at life, marriage and especially God and the way He sees me have changed drastically even in the last two years. God is so good and is faithful to heal and transform us when we put ourselves before him.

Thanks for reading, Lacey.

Farms

2010-11-21T16:03:00.000-08:00

Well I just posted a few hours ago how happy I am to be getting so much of our food from family farms and how much healthier I am because of it. In the recent months there have been increasing farm raids where government agents come in and pretty much destroy family farms without a lot of proof to do it with. Kristen at Food Renegade explains it better here so I'll let you read it form her, but it is seriously worth supporting farms so that we can have locally, organically grown food and because the government is getting ridiculous in telling us what we can and cannot eat.

Is it just me or does all this TSA stuff and farm raiding make anyone else feel like they're living in 1984? Ugh.

Where my food comes from...

2010-11-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

If you've ever read this blog or talked to me for very long about food, you know the last couple of years have been a journey toward eating more whole and, recently, more locally grown food. It's been an interesting and educational ride and in the last couple of months, we've moved to getting our food from more farms and I'm so excited about it.

I realized the other day that I get most of my food from places other than the grocery store now. I used to read blog posts about people who got all their food from farmers markets or local farms and think, yeah right, but now I understand how feasible it really is to eat mostly locally grown, whole food.

So here is where I get my food:

Fruits, Veggies and Eggs: Grow Alabama-This is a local CSA. A CSA is a way to support local farmers by paying, for us, a monthly fee and eating a certain number of fruits and veggies from local farmers for that month. We get 10 servings of 5-7 different fruits and veggies as well as eggs per week. This organization is awesome because you can choose all your fruits and veggies online and they are delivered to a central location once a week for pick up.

MILK-I finally found a source for raw milk and I'm still working on drinking my first two gallons that I picked up. I keep two quarts at a time in the fridge and the rest is frozen until we can drink it. In Alabama it's illegal to buy raw milk straight from the farmer, so you buy a share of the cow and then you can do whatever you want with the milk, including drink it! :) It's delicious and I think the health benefits of that combined with eating the grass fed beef have really beefed up (no pun intended) my immune system. Usually by this point in the school year I've had a couple of colds and this year not one so far. I have to believe it's a drastic change in my diet and getting plenty of sleep. I am feeling a little under the weather right now, but my husband has had walking pneumonia and I can feel my body fighting it off. For someone who used to run out of sick days every year at work, the fact that I'm fighting off walking pneumonia and not totally grossly sick right now is a BIG deal.

Bread: I've made my own bread a couple of times and want to keep doing that. I found a great recipe from Musings of a Housewife that makes four loaves at one time, but I just haven't had time to do it in the last few weeks. When I get some time off from work, I want to make several batches and freeze it. So right now we get the bread with the least offensive ingredients from Publix.

BEEF: We've started ordering all of our beef and butter from US Wellness Meats. This site is AWESOME! They have 100% grass fed beef from different farmers all over the country. They ship it to you frozen in a cooler that keeps it frozen even if it sits outside because we're not home yet. You have to order $75 of food at a time, but there's only a $7.50 shipping and handling charge no mater how much you order! We finally got an extra freezer and so we order in bulk now (20-25lbs.) and freeze it until we're ready to eat it. We've bought mostly ground beef and the hamburgers we're making in our cast iron skillet with the beef are AMAZING. Best burgers I've ever had.

Miscellaneous: I still get our chicken from Cost Co. They have organic, but I'm going to ask my milk guy soon about getting some of his free range chickens. We also get Larabars from Cost Co. They are awesome for snacks and have only whole food ingredients. And I drink a good supply of unsweet tea that sometimes we make at home and sometimes we buy Milo's Unsweet Tea at the grocery store. It only has water and tea in it.

I think that's pretty much it. I'm sure I missed a couple of things, but that's the majority of our food right now. I know to some people it's completely crazy to venture outside of a perfectly good grocery store for food or to drive over an hour to get milk, but I really think it's worth it. If it wasn't, I wouldn't do it. I'm so excited I'm getting back to eating the way people used to before processed food and high fructose corn syrup!

A few things...

2010-10-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

It's getting to that point in the school year where I am really tired of hearing my name.

I am OBSESSED with old fashion root beer lately. My hubby found a sampler pack of root beer at World Market and I look forward to having one every day.

God is really teaching me to trust His timing and His ability and willingness to answer my prayers.

I don't like heights. I never will, no matter how many ropes courses I visit or turn down. I have nightmares about being in high places and not being able to get down.

North Alabama is...interesting with the anti-meth signs, the snake handling churches and the mullets.

Life Quest Challenge Course (in north Alabama) is really cool and great for field trips where you want to build a sense of teamwork.

When people pressure me to do something, I get really set on not doing it. You should ask me about the deer meat incident sometime.

I am super blessed.

Book Review: Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth

2010-09-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

This is one of Oprah's people. She's been on her show a couple of times and my mom told me about it, so I thought I'd try the book.

The premise of the book is good. It's all about women and their relationship to food. And I think her whole point is when we're eating we don't really stop to think about our food or why we're eating. A lot of us eat to medicate how we're really feeling. Case in point, I had two girls ask me today, "Does cake make everything better or does it just make things feel better?" Wise little teenagers. So she talks about all the conferences she's done and the self-discovery that's happened there about the women who used to binge eat (and I mean binge) and then how they discover why they were really doing it and how they're able to let it go. She also tells her own story with food which is pretty intense.

I think one of the best points she talks about is that we eat to escape pain because we're too afraid to feel what we're really feeling. I think we all do that with food or something. I know I do. I'm terrified of hurting. I try to avoid it at all costs. Even though I really want emotional and spiritual health more than most things, I have a hard time working through the painful stuff. It's hard for me to sit in the pain. But Ms. Roth talks about how we eat to numb because we're afraid that if we let ourselves feel what we're really feeling, it will annihilate us, overcome and consume us. I know I've felt that before.

So she tells people to sit and let the pain come and face it instead of eating it away. And I totally agree with that. It's hard, but worth it.

The parts of the book I have a hard time with are the fact that she doesn't give any place for the pain to go and her version of God and my God are not the same thing. I didn't really expect them to be, but when you're dealing with monumental emotional pain, you need God to be God, solid, trustworthy, rock, gentle, humble, Savior that can take your pain because He's already suffered to save you from all sin and pain.

So if I could add something to the book, and I can, because this is my blog, I would say, sit and think about how you're really feeling next time you're eating because you're sad, angry, depressed, anxious, worried, afraid...And let it come. And enter into God's Presence. And ask Him to be there with you. It's one thing to let the pain come and sit there and hurt. It's completely different to hurt in His Presence. And then when you've let it all come out, give it to Him, every last ounce of fear or grief. He will take it and fill you up with His love and truth.

Curly Girl

2010-09-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

So I finally read this hair changing book and I'd like to share what I thought. I pretty much only have awesome things to say about it.

Now if you read my previous no-poo post, you know my hair story. It's been a struggle for me to love this hair, but this is the hair God blessed me with and it's time for me to embrace it and this book really helped me do that.

The whole philosophy of the book is, you've been given curly hair for a reason, quit straightening it, love it, it's beautiful. And just reading it was healing after struggling with not being straight haired my whole life.

The book goes into great detail about diagnosing what kind of curly hair you have and how to care for your specific kind and even has "potions" you can make to use on your hair. Word to the wise: be careful with the heavy cream one. :)

So I've been doing the Curly Girl routine for a couple of weeks or so now, along with the no-pooing (they work really well together) and it's going great! Every time I start to feel a little afraid and have the urge to straighten, I remind myself that God blessed me with this hair and I'm going to love it and for the most part, it's been great.

God has blessed me with little compliments from people along the way. On one particularly insecure day a girl at Firehouse Subs told me she thought it was awesome that I didn't straighten it and I almost cried. (Yes, I'm that emotional.) And then today one of my students said, "Mrs. Schell, with a monsoon of respect, you have the curliest hair I think I've ever seen." And another said, "It's awesome."

So I'm getting there. It's hard to let go of that straight haired ideal that you've been sold your whole life, but it's coming. I can feel it, one more step toward self acceptance.

He sees us.

2010-09-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Today at the beginning of our sermon at church our pastor told this story and it got to me, like deep in my core. There were tears rolling down my face. Does that every happen to anyone else? It's slightly embarrassing, but sometimes God's just talking right to your heart and it's emotional.

Our pastor said he was watching the movie The Joy Luck Club with his wife in the movie theater. I've never seen it, but the movie is about (I think) three Chinese women who move to the U.S. and have three daughters and the clash between their two generations. In this really poignant scene, one of the daughters is expressing that she feels like her mom doesn't see her and the things she goes through and the mother wraps her hands around her face and looks in her eyes and says, "I see you. I see you." And our pastor said when he saw that he started weeping and put his head in his wife's lap because he felt like for the first time, he really saw his wife, her heart, her character, everything wonderful and God given about her.

And I lost it. I think because I want to be seen. I think because I want to know that God sees me and I think I lost it right there in the middle of church because He was telling me that when I feel unseen by everyone else around me and when I feel alone in whatever my daily struggle or stress is, He sees me. He sees us. He sees our hearts and our fears and our good intentions and our good, God given qualities and that we're doing the best we can to live out the life He gave us to live. And He loves us.

And then tonight I saw this. I know that everything in the world is not orchestrated around me, but sometimes God uses other things our there to minister to us, and this definitely did.

Psalm 33:18 “But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.”

It's about more than food now. (Decoster recall)

2010-08-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

So I know I'm just one more little unknown food blogger writing about this. And I know my opinion is not the only one like this. But I have to say after hearing all this recall stuff about the eggs, I'm pretty pissed off and not just because of the food issue. And I just need to share it even if it's only for myself and my two friends who read this.

I've been very distrusting of the FDA and ADA for a while, really suspicious since seeing Food, Inc. I do have to say though the more I find out about real food, raw milk and what our government is doing to prevent us from having it, the more emphatic I get about our right for it. And after hearing the details about the egg recall I feel like I just need to smack someone, mainly the head of the FDA. I mean GOOD GRIEF!

So I listened to this story about the recall today on NPR. They talked about where the eggs came from and the company behind the farms that caused the contamination and the most shocking and gross part about the story was all the violations and lawsuits DeCoster Operations had already had.
Let's just run down the list, shall we?

   -a violation having to do with hogs

   -a violation about abusing hens

-a "discrimination"suit, which should have been titled a sexual harassment suit because they were charged with raping and sexually harassing the Hispanic women that were working in their plants

-an immigration lawsuit for hiring illegal immigrants

And I'm pretty sure with most or all of these they payed a fine to settle. Did you read that? They settled for raping and sexually harassing women. REALLY? REALLY?

Now about hiring illegal immigrants..I know there are many views, but because I speak Spanish, I have heard hundreds of sad stories about families just trying to make a better life here, so I'm all for them making an honest living. But do you think they were hiring illegal immigrants because they wanted to give them a better life? I suspect not. I suspect like lots of other mass production operations they need "low skilled" workers who will work in almost sweat shop like conditions for very little money and not complain about it. So they found the people who would do that for them. And when it got them in trouble, they paid the money to shut it up.

The reason this makes me mad is not just because I have taken up the real food cause, but because we are now talking about human rights. This operation was abusing people all in the name of faster production, more food, more money. And if you don't think that's the mentality of other mass production farms as well as the FDA, then you're wrong and you need to do some research.

It's a little bit convenient that the same people that work for the big food corporations also represent them in the government at one point or another. You don't find that somewhat strange? You don't think that clouds the interests of the people running the FDA and the ADA? I think it's more than convenient and strange. I think the word we're looking for is corrupt.

I am aware that this recall happened in select farms from one company, but all big farms that don't produce food in sustainable ways are moving in this direction and they're doing it with the sweat and on the backs of people who will take the abuse because they don't have lots of other ways to make money.

If you don't choose to fight for real food for your health or weight loss or the betterment of the food supply in this country, you should think about the rights of the workers who are still used in the mass production of the "food" that these operations put out. That in and of itself is reason enough.

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Granola Crunchin Hippie

2010-08-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Yup I'm going to do it. I'm going to no-poo. Have you heard of this movement? You probably have because apparently I'm a little late getting on this train.

source

The Hair Story

I have always struggled with my hair. Well since the 6th grade. And I think that counts as a long time. I remember the day it went crazy curly. I went to the hair salon. She cut it and let it air dry and I had someone else's almost kinky curly hair. Back then, they didn't have a lot of products to tame that, so I endured the next few years with a lot of teasing and being made fun of. And if you think that doesn't leave some scars on a middle school girl's psyche, then you know nothing about preteen girls and how they grow up and turn into women with scars from their preteen years. So yeah. I'm a little insecure about my hair.

The last year or so I've been straightening parts of my hair, mostly the bangs and keeping the rest of it in looser curls. But recently I got a haircut that I wasn't too thrilled with and felt like the haircut and God were pushing me to just go back to what He gave me naturally and to love it, eventually.

Side note: I'm really working on it. I'm really working on being ok with the way God created me. I think that's really important, ladies. He created us a certain way for a certain reason, with the kind of hair, shape, whatever because He loved that and saw that as beautiful. When we wish that away or hate it or want it to change, we're hating what He created and that's sad. I think it makes Him sad. So I'm getting there and He's helping me.

So, first I went back to all curly. It was a struggle with the bangs at first, but now they're turning into ringlets and getting better. Then, I heard about a book called Curly Girl, which I'm about to start reading, but read about online first, which led me to read about the no-poo movement.

The no-poo movement can go one of three ways. First, you don't use shampoo, and to do this you can use only conditioner or only water or baking soda and apple cider vinegar. Supposedly, there is a transition period where your hair is a little more oily as it adjusts, but I'm willing to endure for the results. Plus, it's harder to tell with my hair because it's thicker.

So Why No Poo?

Well most normal shampoos (what you buy at the store and even the fancy salon stuff) have crap in them that's really bad for your body and they strip your hair and scalp of the natural oils that are there. We've been stripping our scalps of these essential oils for so long that they're producing extra oils. And some of us (me) have developed nasty skin conditions on their scalps like eczema. The stopping of the stripping is supposed to help with that. So I'm going to try it. And if that's not enough to convince you there's the whole list of chemicals that are in most shampoos and what they do to your body. Check out this post if you want the crap scared out of you. Basically, the whole philosophy of natural skin care is, if you wouldn't eat it, don't put it on your skin because your skin is the largest organ of the body and it absorbs a lot of stuff. Really.

So today was day one of no-poo and I have to say it went really well. I did 1 tablespoon of baking soda in a bottle with 8oz of water and 1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in a different bottle with 8oz water. I did baking soda first and then massaged my head in circular motions. Supposedly the whole trick with this is working the oils on your scalp down the hair shaft. Then I rinsed and it felt clean. I was surprised! Then I did the acv on the ends of my hair and it made it feel smoother.

Styling
Now girls with curly hair can't just cut out the styling products immediately or at least this one can't. So I went to Whole Foods yesterday and got this. I was a little nervous about the name. (Kinky Curly) heehee But it turned out pretty good. No huge frizz so far. I'd prefer a cream, but this is the most natural thing I could find. I think I'll stick with it and experiment with amounts.

So I'll keep updating about my experience with no-pooing. :) I plan to try it for 8 weeks. I'm all for ridding chemicals. Plus, it's cheap! We'll see how it goes!

And yes as I rode down the road yesterday talking about my decision to stop washing my hair, on the way to Whole Foods, eating my natural granola bar and listening to Led Zeppelin, happy with the fact that I had on very little make up and was ok with it, I realized I'm really turning into a hippie. Who would have ever thought?

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My Clear Skin Quest

2010-08-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

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So this summer I embarked on the no (natural) product left behind clear skin search. I saw a doctor who focuses on more natural treatments. I researched. I read. I googled for days on end. All in the quest to clear my crazily broken out skin. And I think...I think...it's getting better.

This all started about a year ago when I came off of birth control and everything went CRAZY. I've always struggled with acne, but this was like nothing I've ever seen before. It was deep cystic acne under my skin. And it was all over my body. I'm not kidding. I don't want to over share, but seriously. It was out of control. So at first I thought, maybe my body is just readjusting to coming off of birth control and my hormones just need time to regulate themselves. Well nine months later, things were still crazy. And I mean embarrassingly crazy. I try not to be super vain, but like I couldn't wear some short sleeve shirts because of the acne on my arms. Ugh.

Why, you might ask yourself, didn't I see a dermatologist during this time? Well I have seen them throughout my teen years. I've tried all the creams and antibiotics and I knew they would just stick me back on birth control or acutane. And let me tell you one thing. I will do a lot of things and endure a lot of bad acne before I'll go on acutane. I can't believe they even prescribe that anymore. Ridiculous. Ok don't get me started. Anyway. Let's just say the side effects outweigh the benefits.

So this summer I started putting two and two together that maybe my diet really could be effecting my skin and I still really believed that part of my acne was hormonal. So I cut out most of the sugar from my diet. And I also cut out most dairy. That was REALLY difficult. I love milk like you wouldn't believe, but I found out that most cows (even organic ones) are milked when they're pregnant. HELLO! Hormone disruption! And did you know that even organic cows live in confinement sitting in manure?! Ew! Just because it's organic doesn't mean it's good for you. I learned that from Kelly the Kitchen Kop. She'll be talking about it in her Real Food for Rookies Class. Ok I'm done plugging now. So when trying to find milk that's good for you go for raw milk and grass fed beef. To eat grass they have to roam. I'm still learning, but I know that much. Also, a lot of people are allergic to milk and don't know it, but do better with raw milk.

Anyway...cutting out dairy and sugar has seemed to help. If I could find raw milk I would start to work it back into my diet to see how my skin did. I haven't found a provider close by yet. It's kind of a big deal (maybe illegal?) to sell it I think. The FDA is not down with it, even though it's way better for you. Listen about raw milk here. Anyone know where to get any in or around Birmingham? Email me!

Like I said, I went to see a doctor who will do some more natural things, but she does conventional things as well. She tried to put me on an antibiotic. I'm not really a fan, but she said I should just take it around the times of the month my acne flares up. I'm still trying/deciding about that. We're also working on getting my hormone levels back to where they should be, so I'm on something that lowers my testosterone levels. I'm getting my levels tested again in December and I hope then that they will be where they should be and I can come off of the medicine. She also tested my vitamin levels and put me on some super charged vitamins that are really helping my energy levels and I think they're helping my skin too. We also figured out I have rosacea, and she said all her patients with rosacea have low B vitamin levels, so we're hoping the super B vitamins help with that.

I also changed my skin care routine. I read about Hemp Hemp Hooray on High on Health and let me tell you how amazing this stuff is. Oh my goodness. First of all it just smells delicious and I know that's not what we're after here. We want clear skin, but really it smells gooood. Ok back to the skin care benefits. It has all natural organic ingredients from Australia including lime and hemp oils. It just feels good and cleans your skin without drying it out. And then the Skin Soothe cream. Aaahh. It's like a treat for my skin every morning and night. It feels so good and really does calm down the redness and inflammation that's there. I think it's helping with the rosacea just as well as the prescription cream. The doctor also put me on clindamycin pads. Kinda like oxy 10 pads, remember those? They're kinda intense, but I think they really help with the acne on my chin and I only use them once a day.

So where am I now? Most days it's really manageable and way better. It's nowhere like it used to be. I still have occasional moderate acne, mostly on my chin and I think there are still some hormonal flare ups (around my period) and when I don't eat as well as I should that it gets worse. I also think that not managing my stress well can send me into a break out in no time. But it is nothing like what it used to be. The all over body acne is gone. It's not as cystic, deep and painful. I feel like I'm taking better care of my skin and my body as a whole. And I feel better about it because I feel like I'm not having to rely on birth control (putting more hormones in my body) to control my skin.

Without having gone through that painful (physically and emotionally) period, I don't think I would have learned how to eat real food and about the connection between eating real food and feeling and looking great. My skin keeps me accountable with eating real food and for that I'm grateful. Otherwise, I'm not sure I could always stick to it on a consistent basis.

So if you're struggling with acne, investigate the causes. Try cutting out certain foods and see how it goes. Check out High on Health. She's got a lot of great info. And feel free to share your tips here too! I always want to know more about how other people are caring for their bodies!

And remember, you're beautiful! Treat yourself that way!

This post is a part of Fight Back Friday at Food Renegade.

Sugar Relapses and the Lessons We Learn

2010-08-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

Shwoo...it's been a while. There was the whole hand injury and the start of school and if you know me, you know that takes over my whole being. It was all wake up, go to work, come home, be barely coherent, eat, go to sleep for a few days. I'm adjusted now. I think...No really I do feel like my body is adjusting and I'm getting my energy back up. I'm taking some suped up vitamins that I got from my doctor. It turns out my B & D vitamin levels were low and so I got some pharmaceutical grade vitamins and man I can tell a difference. They really perk me up. It's amazing how you feel when you have the right amount of nutrients in your system. :)

So this week I've been really craving sugar. I had been doing really well. No soda or sweet tea. Only things with real sources of sugar in them (honey, maple syrup and cane sugar, rarely) and then this week it was outta control. I'm not sure if it's PMS or stress. I think my body craves carbs and sugar when I'm stressed. I also heard if you're not getting enough full fats you can crave refined carbs, but I made some biscuits this week that would give most people a heart attack (lots of butter and buttermilk) so I'm not sure that's it.

Anyway, yesterday was a shameful day in terms of eating real food. There may have been a Mtn. Dew, a candy bar and some cookie dough involved (all the while looking at my husband, telling him not to judge me) and almost immediately I felt horrible, physically. I mean really. And then I felt awful for the rest of the day. It was hard to go to sleep because my stomach hurt. So it served as a good reminder that there were tons of reasons why I started eating real food only, but the one that trumps them all was that I just wanted to feel better and I feel like crap when I eat crap. The end.

So there's a new online cooking class available called Real Food for Rookies by Kelly the Kitchen Kop. Her blog is awesome and from what I've heard about this class, it sounds awesome. I think I'm definitely going to do it. I feel like I've learned a lot about real food, but there are still things that are overwhelming and it sounds like this class will help sort some of those things out, like how to prepare quick, real food dinners, and how to talk to farmer's market vendors without offending them. I always hate asking about pesticides! Anyway, you should sign up if you're feeling overwhelmed by all the real food info!

Check out the top 10 reasons to do it here:

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! I'm making bread today! Time to go cover myself in flour and knead!

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Disclaimer: If you sign up for the e-course from the link above I do get a little kickback.

This post is a part of Fight Back Friday at Food Renegade.

Diets

2010-08-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

Something that has concerned me recently with some of the girls I teach is the number of them that say they are dieting. Now, listen. I know our country is headed down a road to obesity, but the girls I'm talking about are healthy, growing girls and some of them are teeny, tiny, not needing to lose weight. So why isn't a beautiful healthy 15 year old girl enjoying her life and the food around her? Why is she preoccupied with weight when she's still a child?

I have a few theories. Don't get me started on the media and what it does to our girls. They can barely go anywhere or do anything without seeing some unrealistic, airbrushed version of an unauthentic woman everywhere they look. No wonder our perception of thin and beauty is just a little bit skewed. Then you add to that the fact that most girls' dads' are too checked out to affirm them anyway and we've got one big messed up generation.

Outside of the emotional aspect of this, and it's a big one, I don't think anyone is teaching our kids how or what to eat. I am just now learning how to eat real food and real food only. How has this simple concept become so difficult and so far fetched for so many people? In another recent dieting conversation with a former student, I was talking to her about how she didn't need to diet. She just needs to eat real food. I recited the advice from Jillian Michaels: If it doesn't have a mother or doesn't come from the ground, don't eat it. I think this really made her stop and think. But IT WORKS. When I started eating real food, I got back to my healthy weight, naturally. I don't work out a ton. I try to get a good amount of activity and my job is very active, but seriously in about a month, the excess weight fell off because I wasn't putting a ton of excess trash in my body. I'm still working out some of the kinks, but it's really getting easier the longer I do it and my tastes are changing to appreciate less sugar and more savory things.

I wish I could help other people get this. It hurts to see people struggle with meal replacements and dieting strategies because I have been there and it's so frustrating! But it's simple, there is food God intended for us to eat and crap He didn't create for us to eat. If we eat the crap, we will look like we've eaten crap. End of story. But I guess a lot of this, like most things, is about want to, and wanting to eat good things for my general health got me started on this train. Then I fell off for a while. Then, wanting the best for my health and wanting to feel good again got me back on again. Then I fell off again. Then, wanting my skin to clear got me back on. Now my skin is doing ok and I think I'm on for good. It took me really wanting to give up the crap for my best interests to stick with it. And once I did, it was worth it.

Hopefully, the more people start to talk about real food and blog about real food, the more society will realize that it's just better to eat real food. I really hope my kids can get that so they don't have to struggle for years with "diet" drinks and foods trying to be satisfied with what's not really satisfying.

July

2010-07-26T05:47:00.000-07:00

This month has been kinda crazy. First, I have a kind of wrist injury, and that has sort of impeded the typing for any significant period of time. My right hand and arm hurt from my right pinkie all the way down to my elbow. Not fun. So I went to my doctor and she sent me to have some nerve testing. She said they would just do some nerve tests, no big deal. Well yeah, I got there and they shocked all the muscles in my arm with electricity. I stopped short of crying when they were done. Needless to say I'm not a fan. I still haven't heard anything. We'll see! It's not carpal tunnel though. I've already asked. That's the other side of your arm.

I've also started working again this month. I'm in charge of Peer Assistants at my school with two other teachers. We basically help approximately 90 kids mentor the whole freshman class of kids. So I've been trying to plan and organize their training for the summer. Their training day is this Wednesday and freshman orientation is Friday. This week will be pretty intense, but I'm excited. It's so totally worth it. And has anyone seen If You Really Knew Me on MTV? My PAs do that at my school too. So we're training for that on August 4th. I'm so excited that MTV is finally putting something good and worthwhile and good out there for teenagers, something that might actually help them not feel so alone. And it's cool to know that more people can see what we're doing in high schools all over the country. There are some really good things going on.

So that's what I've been up to. I have two weeks until we start back officially and then everything gets crazy again. I'm really looking forward to it though. I love my job and my kids. :) The end of summer, ready to go back feeling is great. I think it's going to be a great year!

Learning and Loving

2010-07-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

It's been three years today since I said, "I do." I'm not really the same person I was then. I know three years doesn't seem like a long time. To most people we're still "newlyweds." But it seems like a long time to us. Not in a bad way, but I feel like we've accomplished something. I feel totally different than when we were first married. I feel like we're past all of the first year difficulties and confusions. I feel like I've learned a lot about who I am and who I'm not and who God made me to be, and I feel like my husband helps me be more of that person every day. I think one of the things I know the most about the two of us, one of the things I feel most confident about is that we make each other better, and that's the way God designed marriage to work. He meant for us to work each other's kinks out and to make us more into who He created us to be. Sometimes that's really painful and uncomfortable, but sometimes it's glorious.

On our anniversary today I don't want to over romanticize marriage because I've learned that marriage is not a fairy tale or a love story movie. There are times in our marriage I've thought, "I had no idea it would be this hard. No one told me about this." But I do believe it's better than the movies tell us about. It's a relationship that God uses to heal us and make us better. Sometimes it hurts more than anything else, but if you really work at it harder than you've worked at most things, you wake up everyday next to your best friend that gets you better than most people, who takes care of you when you're sick and snotty and still thinks you're beautiful, who knows your emotional baggage and issues and helps you deal with it and who promises to keep loving you no matter what. I think that's pretty amazing.

Today I feel so blessed that God helped us find each other. It's miraculous that He can join two broken, messed up people and that there can be love, laughter, peace and happiness. Marriage really is a testament to His awesomeness and love.

A New Favorite- Naan Bread Pizza

2010-06-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

When my husband and I were trying to work more vegetable into our meals and I was having a hard time getting used to it because I didn't always enjoy vegetables, (I know, horrible, but true) he came up with this amazing meal that I now absolutely love, love, love.

We take a piece of garlic naan bread (bought pre-made from Publix, but we're working on getting some from the Indian store or making our own), baste it with extra virgin olive oil, put cut up cooked chicken, cut up white onion (small pieces), red bell pepper, whatever kind of cheese we have in the fridge, grated and Zahtar seasoning. I know you're thinking, "What the heck?" or at least I was. We got it from World Market, but I'm sure any seasonings that you like and that go with these foods would do. Then we bake this all on a cookie sheet at 375 until the cheese is melted and it's a little brown.

And here you have one of my new favorite meals. So flavorfully, amazingly, wonderful. Oh I love it.

Yes, we can all agree my photography skills need a little work, but you get the idea. Also, try to ignore the fact that I had already cut it into four pieces. I was hungry and ready to eat. Just be glad I stopped long enough to take a picture. =) Mmmm.....

Culinary Progress

2010-06-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I went out of town for a conference for work and it was great! So informative. They had awesome keynote speakers that talked about working with at risk kids and helped get me from that place in the summer where I think, no way can I go back to work to, yes I can do it and want to do it again. So it was great. We talked about drug trends among teenagers, teenage dating trends, how to talk to kids about dating and drugs, creating a positive culture at your school or in your organization, teen killers and other warm fuzzy things like that. That last topic was heavy and scary, but very informative and necessary in the society we're now living and teaching in.

Eating well proved to be a little difficult while I was gone. Access to whole foods was low as was my will power. And I decided beating myself up for falling off the wagon for a week was not really necessary. My body already felt bad physically enough. I could really tell the difference. It was VERY noticeable. But I'm settled now again and trying to get back into the groove.

I made my first two loaves of homemade bread this past weekend. It was work, but it was manageable. I felt very capable when I was finished. Here's a picture of me actually rolling dough! I've never done that before in my life. I had to go buy a rolling pin in the middle of the whole rising process.

And the finished product!

YAY! It was really yummy! I used a recipe from Musings of a Housewife and it turned out great even though I didn't have the all purpose flour. I think I'll try it with that next time. It's a mostly whole wheat recipe.

In other culinary feats, yesterday I roasted my first chicken. I looked at various suggestions online for what to do, but ended up slicing up a lemon and putting 3 slices inside the cavity and stuffing 3 inside the skin. Then I used 6 cloves of garlic and did the same thing I did with the lemon slices, (3 in the cavity, 3 in the skin) and then I took some dried tyme and sprinkled some inside the bird and some inside the chicken and used some to season the outside. Then, I salted and peppered that bad boy like there was no tomorrow. :)

Here's the little guy going in:

I roasted him at 325 for about 2 hours until the thickest part of the thigh was 180. And because I'm not very experienced with blogging about food, and also because I was fixing pasta at the time it came out of the oven, I forgot to take an after picture. But I can tell you that it was DELICIOUS. The skin was crispy. The meat was so juicy and flavorful, and my husband who is waayyyy more experienced in the culinary arts than I am kept telling me how much he loved it. I think that counts for something.

We had this with spaghetti tossed in pecorino romano cheese and spinach (recipe from Skinny Italian, great book). I was really satisfied with my dinner preparation last night. Before you think I sound a little proud of myself, a.) I am because cooking is still way new to me and the fact that I planned and pulled this off mostly by myself still surprises me and b.) it's not so much cocky pride as it is wonderment that I can actually do semi-not super easy things in the kitchen. I feel very capable in the kitchen and willing to keep trying new things. I'm really enjoying cooking this week. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a breakthrough. Hallelujah.

Reality TV Confessions

2010-06-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

I don't have cable. That makes some people gasp in horror and for some people it's completely normal. Before I got married this was totally foreign to me and then it took me about 2 years of occasional pity parties to adjust to this cableless life I now lead. I'm content now. It saves money on a bunch of channels we really wouldn't have time to watch anyway.

But when it's summertime....sometimes, well a lot of times, especially at the beginning, a girl (well a teacher) just wants to watch some tv. So then I watch the Today Show for 4 hours (not everyday) and then I thank the Lord for Hulu. Ahhh yes. Internet tv. I really don't know how I'd get through the summer without it.

Last summer I discovered The Real Housewives (of various cities) and thus started my preoccupation with these shows. I have yet to get into Atlanta, but I am thoroughly invested in all other casts. I just love it! I love watching them live their lives. I'm not sure why. It's not like they do anything all that fascinating, unless you count the OBSCENE amounts of money they spend in one episode sometimes fascinating. Maybe that was the original draw for me. But then I got involved in all the drama, and I wanted to see the outcome of all the cat fights. And I was hooked. It didn't take very long.

So today I caught up on the reunion of the NYC cast and I watched the latest episode of the NJ cast. Oh the drama. And I watched the first episode of Bethenny Getting Married. I love that show too! I also have to confess that I got Bethenny's workout dvd and it's REALLY good! It's a 40 minute yoga workout that felt like it really toned my muscles and then a few minutes of weights after that. I think it's worth the $15.

So there. I've confessed my reality tv habits and slight obsessions and my giving in to the whole Bethenny marketing ploy. I feel better now.

I also feel the need to say that I did productive things today like giving my dog a bath, cleaning, washing clothes and yoga. :)

Cooking

2010-06-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

Cooking is not my forte. I didn't grow up learning or loving to cook and God blessed me with a husband who loves to cook. So I, naturally, haven't killed myself to learn. I also was surrounded by boys who would make jokes like, "Woman, get in the kitchen and make me a pie." And I think, actually I know, things like this stuck with me and I have a really hard time with feeling like I should have to know how to cook just because I'm a girl. So for all of those reasons combined, I haven't really invested in learning how to cook. I can bake when I really want to. And I have learned how to do basic things from watching my hubby, but I've never really had ownership or passion for it.

Enter my new pursuit of all whole and unprocessed foods and this fabulous e-course that followed and I think I've found a new passion and ownership for cooking! You can still sign up if you're interested.

This morning I made scones, the first recipe I've tried from the e-course. They were whole wheat and made from scratch. It was kinda intense, but I was proud of myself. Next week we're doing made from scratch sour-dough bread. I can't wait! And I found this online to help me move forward in my bread making ventures.

I cannot wait to use it!!! Don't worry. I'll take pictures of the real thing when it gets here, along with my hopefully successful bread. I've decided that I want to make bread at home from now on because the fresh bread at the store is EXPENSIVE and the bread that's not fresh has a bunch of crap in it that we don't need to be eating. So that's how I justified the mixer purchase, but I got it on ebay for a great deal! Here's to lots of fresh bread and more fresh cooking!

How I Stopped Beating Myself Up About Housework

2010-06-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

In my time off during the summer it's almost impossible to look around and not see the things in the house that need to be dusted, wiped, scrubbed, cleaned, vacuumed, scoured, etc. BUT I refuse to do furious self-hatred induced cleaning like I used to.

Let me explain. In the past I would walk around to different areas of the house cleaning furiously like this angry, swirling, tazmanian devil like creature, all the time beating myself up for ever letting it get like this. And then after I was finished I would be exhausted, hating myself, angry and the house still wouldn't be perfect like I wanted it. My husband said he preferred it if I just left the house messy because at least then I'd be happy. He's a good man. :)

So. As I've dealt with some of my unhealthy tendencies in the past year, (goodness, is that a continual process. I seem to have a lot to deal with. Anyone else?) I have decided that this summer I'm going to get up and do one cleaning like thing per day. Then I will feel good that I did one thing. I made a dent. And then I can get on with my relaxing and not feel guilty that I'm not making a dent. Some days I do little things like clean off the coffee table, and some days I do bigger things like deep clean the kitchen counters and stove. You may think that's not a big deal. Oh, friend. I have white kitchen counters and they haven't been cleaned in a while. Let's just say, lots of scrubbing and lots of cleaning spray.

I am happy to say that things are really going a lot better this way. I haven't ended any of the cleaning activities in a beat up state of mind and they all take a reasonable amount of time instead of hours and I'm making progress around the house! So far I've cleaned off our kitchen table (it was kind of a junk table before), cleaned off the coffee table, cleaned and organized the living room (for the most part), cleaned the counters and stove top. After I'm happy with the downstairs, I'll work my way to our upstairs. Things might get a little sticky up there, but I'll stick to my one thing a day philosophy and hopefully it will work.

Now I realize that cleaning more that one thing or area a day is a good thing and works for a lot of people, but for me trying to do huge things at once just wasn't working. And this for me is working while still allowing me to feel like I'm resting, which is what I'm supposed to be doing during the summer.

So that's my two cents about that. It's worked for me and I recently shared this with a friend and it seemed to help her too. I thought I'd share here as well. Also in cleaning news, over at Musings of a Housewife Jo-Lynne is giving away an Oreck vacuum cleaner and it's pretty fancy! Check it out if you're interested! You know I am!

Eating Fresh

2010-06-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

In everything I've been learning lately about eating whole foods everyone says it's super important to eat local foods because really the food you're buying at the grocery store was picked several days ago, probably before it was ripe, and trucked across the country or internationally and then sent to your local store, and in that process it lost a lot of its nutrients, by the way. Case in point, my ORGANIC grapes from Whole Foods are from Mexico. Really? I mean I know Alabama isn't the best grape growing climate, but Mexico? I can't get at least some grapes from the U.S.? While we're on the grape subject I would like to say there are some wineries in Alabama and one of my friends has a very successful grape vine. I'm just sayin. Aaanyway, I've been trying to find more local food lately. Birmingham does have some impressive farmer's markets. I have to give it credit for that.

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Today we headed down to Pepper Place, an awesome farmer's market that happens every Saturday downtown. They have people from farms from all over central Alabama. They also have artists, musicians, chef demonstrations and people who bring the cutest dogs you have ever seen. It's really fun. So we went and we perused. Andrew got some lemongrass and he was so excited. We use that a lot to put in Thai recipes. Well let's back that up and correct it, he uses it in Thai recipes. I don't cook Thai food really. I think it's cool that he cooks it and then I eat it. I was happy the other day when I made a successful omelet. This e-course I'm taking is very needed, let's just say. :)

The only frustrating thing about the market was you couldn't tell whose produce was organic and whose wasn't. I know, I can use my mouth and ask people. I did that the other day at a smaller market I went to and I felt like I had personally offended the woman and then felt like I had to defend my need to ask her about whether or not she uses pesticides on her plants. I wish I could get over the pesticides thing. Well, I guess I just wish there weren't pesticides. I just can't get over knowing what they do to my body and eat something knowing they're there. My hormones are so out of whack and I'm exhausted a lot and I know a lot of that is caused by my diet and lifestyle the last 9 months, but I think what we eat or not guarding the chemicals on our food and in our food is part of that. I just can't get over it.

And let's face it, trying to eat fresh and locally is frustrating. I just want to eat like my ancestors did. I want to eat whole foods that were grown from the ground (without toxic chemicals sprayed on them!) or animals that were not given hormones to make them so big they can't stand up. I'm so glad I've learned everything I have to change the way I eat, but it's overwhelming and it's difficult and expensive at times. I'm not giving up and I totally think it's worth it, but I just needed to express that it's confusing and frustrating that it's cheaper and more convenient to eat out of a box from the store than to eat from a local farmer. When did that happen? Probably sometime before I was born. Ok I'm done complaining now.

I just needed to get that out. We will press on and keep trying to eat local, whole, sustainable foods without hormones or pesticides. And I will eat less sugar and more vegetables! Amen? Amen!

Food for Healing

2010-06-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

I've had skin problems since I was a teenager. It started with mild acne and was mildly annoying. I went on birth control to help with the severity of my periods and that helped. Then last summer when I came off of birth control (because my periods did get better, I'll post about that later) my skin went CRAZY. I mean out-of-control. I had horrible cystic acne all over the top half of my body. I know, gross. And hey, give me some credit for my vulnerability here. So I put two and two together and figured it had to be hormonal acne because it happened when I came off of birth control.

So yes I could just keep taking birth control if I wanted a fast cure, but that's really just treating the symptom of my unbalanced hormones. And I would like to balance my hormones naturally through food if possible, or natural supplements. I don't want to keep taking pills adding hormones and adding to my hormone imbalance when I could work to fix this and let my body do what it's supposed to naturally. I want my body to do what it was meant to do. And yes I do believe in conventional medicine when necessary. I take allergy medicine when I'm sneezy and I couldn't live without sudafed when I'm sick, although I'd love natural remedies for allergies and stuffiness. I just don't want to have to take a bunch of extra added hormones for the next however long to treat my acne. I would rather figure out how to eat well and figure out what's going on in my body that's causing it to go crazy on my skin.

So...I've been researching and I found a few things. The first website I found that deals with acne naturally was The Cellulite Investigation. This is a great blog whose primary aim is to investigate cellulite, but the writer did struggle with acne that she was getting from the fluoride in her water. She writes about it in the previous link I gave to the blog. It's worth looking at if you struggle with acne. I knew my acne was hormonal though and my acne has only been cystic twice in my life, once on a b.c. pill I had a bad reaction too and when I came off b.c.

Then, I found this. And I was so relieved. I mean so relieved. I researched online for days before I came across this website. Or really I guess it's a blog. And I know you shouldn't believe everything you read, but this girl struggled with acne for 3 years and she's my age. Her blog is her story of her struggle with acne and her quest to treat it naturally through diet and how she figured out how to do that. She did see a medical doctor at the same time, but she also writes about the negative side effects of accutane and proactiv, which was interesting because I'm too scared to try accutane (side effects) and proactiv always stops working on me after a certain period, which she writes about! She has a 7 step e-course you can download (for free!) and a book you can download ($27). And she also recommends skin care, but you can only get it in Australia, where she is from.

All in all I found the information in the course really helpful. Some of it I knew from some of the other stuff I've been reading lately, but it was a great reminder that what we put in our bodies has to come out. And if we're eating a lot of processed food, our bodies have to get the toxins out, and our livers and colons (I knew, ew) can only do so much, and then eventually it comes out of our skin. She also talks about stress causing acne, which I can totally see. It will be interesting to see that if during my low stress summer state, I have any clearing of the skin. :)

So, if you struggle with acne, I really encourage you to check out http://www.highonhealth.org/. I think it's full of great information for health in general, especially for those of us who want to clear our skin naturally. I'm going to try all of this (eating non-processed foods, low sugar, managing stress better, natural skin care, getting my hormones tested) for three months to see if it works. And I may have to ride a bumpy skin road while I wait it out, but that's ok because we all know that our worth does not lie in what our skin looks like. Ok good. I need to say that as much for myself as for others. :)

This post is a part of Fight Back Friday at Food Renegade.

Oh and UPDATE from the last post: Sugar Cravings: It's getting better the longer I'm away from it. I got some more fruit and that's helped (mmm...cherries). And the more I tell myself that if I'm eating a ton of processed sugar, I'm making it worse for my skin, that really helps! So I feel like I'm making progress! And I got a smoothie at Whole Foods yesterday and I actually thought it was too sweet! Can you believe that?! I was shocked at myself! I think the sugar addiction may be starting to leave. Yay!

Let's just be honest...

2010-06-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

I want sugar. I want it. I want sugary drinks and sugary foods. I want to drink sweet tea again and eat comfort foods again. Let's be honest and say I'm having a hard time today and the past couple of days not eating my weight in sugar like I used to.

Why did I stop eating sugar? Because I think eating steady doses of fake processed sugar and processed food in general has lead to a steady deterioration of my adrenal glands and the throwing out of balance of my hormones. And I want to feel better and have more energy. I want my skin to clear up and I want my hormones to balance out without having to use birth control. (I'm still researching that by the way).

Soo....here I am still trying to cut out the sugar (for the most part). And I'm just being honest and saying it's not easy and I still crave sugar. This could also have to do with the fact that it's a certain time of the month and I always crave sugary carbs at this time of month. That doesn't make this any easier.

Ok I feel a lot better having said that. I just had to get that out there. I'm not giving up. It's just not the easiest thing I've ever done.

I'm reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth right now. It's a great book about our relationship to food, emotional eating and how we use food to escape feeling emotional pain. And while I don't know that her version of God is the God I believe in, I think there is some real truth in the book and I'm learning to really question why I'm eating when I eat from this book. I already knew that sometimes when I'm sad or hurt or angry or tired, I often want a "treat," like a cookie or a coke. And I can even turn that into a healthy thing, like after a hard day at work I'll come home and drink kombucha instead of water. So I'm trying to figure out when I use food to avoid feeling what I don't want to feel and how it affects my life.

Confessions of a Crazy Week

2010-05-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

This was the official last week of school. Oh thank you Lord. And it was exhausting. I mean exhausting. I haven't been this tired in a long time. It's just intense keeping the kids in check when they're busting at the seams to get out and let's be honest, it's hard for the teachers too because we're ready to leave as well.

So when I'm this busy and this tired health isn't always at it's best with me. I don't think I slept well any night this week. I just couldn't turn my brain off. We had so much going on at work that I just couldn't fully relax at night. I hate it when I feel that way, but I do feel very relieved that I'm really done now and I'm looking forward to some awesome sleep in the nights to come.

As far as food goes, I did ok the first part of the week and then slid progressively downhill toward the end of the week. I may or may not have had a Mountain Dew. (gasp!) I know. I know. My stomach hurt the whole time I drank it. It's been really interesting the past two days because I had been eating pretty well the past couple of weeks, and when I started eating bad stuff again my whole digestive track started to hurt. It's good to know that my body indicates or notices now immediately when I'm eating or drinking junk though. All this to say, you commit to eating differently and sometimes you fall back into eating conveniently again and then you feel like crap again and you remember why you committed to eating differently in the first place.

I'm on the road to food recovery today. Oatmeal for breakfast, drinking some kombucha now and only whole foods the rest of the day. AND I won the e-course giveway! (See previous post). I'm so excited! I can't wait to start the class! There are only two more days to sign up if you're interested. I think it's going to be awesome! How to Cook Real Food

By the way, I'm not plugging this course because I get anything out of it. The people in charge of this class have no idea who I am. :) I just think it will be cool, so I'm suggesting it.

Have a great weekend!

This post is a part of Fight Back Friday at Food Renegade.

How to Cook Real Food Course (some people are giving it away!)

2010-05-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

So I've been wanting to eat real foods for a while now and I'm learning a lot about why it's important for our bodies. Over at some of my new faves Food Renegade and The Nourished Life I saw a link to an e-course that starts June 1st about how to shop your local farmers markets on a doable budget for real, whole food and then how to cook more whole foods for you and your family. It's 12 lessons at about $10 a lesson. And yes for those of us who are still relatively newly married and up and coming in life, it's a small investment, but it's basically cooking lessons with the food I want to know how to cook. I think it will be an investment in the future of our health. And yes I could spend hours perusing more books and blogs and the internet. Or I could sign up for this, watch someone else's years of research and experience and learn it all faster to better recover mine and my husband's health BEFORE I have kids. And that excites me. So I think I'm going to try it. I'm trying to win the giveaway over at The Nourished Life because, let's be honest, free is always better and this teacher is not rolling in money. But even if I have to pay for it, I think it will definitely be worth it.

Check it out here: How To Cook Real Food

And check out the GIVEAWAY for yourself! You never know! Suerte! (Good luck!)

It's happening...

2010-05-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

...the heaviness in my chest, a tickle in my throat, INCESSANT coughing. Ugh. We just went through this three weeks ago. Really, body? Really!?!?!?!?!? It's the last week of school. Can't we just pull it together for three more days? Come on. Ugh.

This is one of the huge reasons I think my adrenals are barely hanging on by a thread. It doesn't take much for me to get sick. A kid could cough in my direction and my body gives up. Or I could get less than perfect sleep for a night and it's over. Or I'm stressed for two days at work and forget about it. Done.

I don't want to be a weakling! Really I don't! I want immunity of steel! I want to be able to withstand a room full of stomach viruses and flus and not even flinch. And this is what I'm working toward. Hopefully, this time next year, this is where I'll be. Overly ambitious? Maybe, but one can dream, can't one?

I'm going to try to pull through the next three days. I need to hydrate, sleep and beef up the immunity in whatever way possible. This calls for tea, vitamins and green smoothies. :) We'll see...

We have here a stalk and a half of kale, 1/4 a bag of mixed frozen fruit, about 12 oz. water and some stevia extract, all thrown together in the blender and voila! The wine glass just makes it extry fancy!

It's not right, but it's effective.

2010-05-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

Well today probably wasn't the most successful day of teaching as far as education goes. You probably wouldn't want today in the textbooks on how to be a teacher is what I mean. And by that I really mean that instead of using my calm voice, I pretty much hollered at several kids until they just did what I wanted them to do in fear or just to get the crazy lady to stop screaming. The last day of instruction in a teacher's world can be nightmarish. Ask any teacher. She'll tell you.

Why, you might ask? Well because you hear things like, "Why do we have to do anything today? It's the last day. Why can't we have a free day? Why do I have to follow the dress code? Can you still give detentions?"

And then I give answers like, "Well you have a very big test tomorrow that you need to pass. That's why we're still doing things. Don't you think I'd love to just sit at my desk? I'm not doing this because it's fun. I'm doing this because I want you to do well. NO we cannot have a free day. We will work today to get ready for your test. You will study for this test tomorrow. Stop putting your head down. Work with your group. Stop talking while I'm talking. Yes you have to follow the rules and I will figure out a way to get you in serious trouble!!!" all in a very loud voice.

Oh Lord help me, please. The good news is tomorrow is a test and then I'm pretty much done with the forced labor. So not a great day as far as rising above and using creative classroom management, but you win some you lose some and at this point it's all about finishing.

I think I killed them...

2010-05-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

my adrenal glands that is, with a steady dose of high stress from my job and a diet high in Diet Mountain Dews. I was over perusing one of my new favorites, Food Renegade, and saw something about Adrenal Fatigue. I thought to myself, "hmm, wonder what that is." Then I read this post and the comments and quickly realized I probably do have Adrenal Fatigue. Now I know I don't need to be blog diagnosing myself, but when you have all of the the symptoms on a list of symptoms and you've been wondering why you have those symptoms for months, it just adds up. Let's not be in denial here.

But the good news is, there are things you can do to fix it, or to let your adrenals recover (see the link to the post above). The sad news is, it takes a good 6-8 months. But the other good news is, I'm about to have 2 months off to re cooperate from the high stress of my job. And I've been eating whole foods and less sugar and that's another one of the suggestions. So I think, (I hope) I'm on my way to adrenal recovery.

I'm trying to think good recovering thoughts about my adrenals everyday. See, little glands! I'm not drinking soda or 10 gallons of sugar a day anymore. Don't you feel loved and more appreciated? Heal, glands! Heal!

How it feels to change how you eat...

2010-05-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

So I started trying to really cut out the sugar this week and it has been working. I'd like to share a few thoughts from the first week of stopping the sugar addiction....and yes I do think it's an addiction, for almost everyone.

First, I can't believe it's working really. I mean I've been able to drink unsweet tea most of the week and that in and of itself is SHOCKING. Just the fact that I keep wanting to drink it is crazy. First I was able to give up soda and then sweet tea! I mean really people. Something drastic must have shifted in the universe. I don't know if it's a change in my thinking or having more info about what this stuff does to me or what...I just keep thinking, I'm so tired of doing bad things to my body and then beating myself up for doing bad things to my body. I would drink 3 diet sodas a day and say I didn't care, but I did (and I think in the process I ruined my adrenal glands, more on that later). I just want to feel good about the things I choose to eat (and drink). I want to eat what God intended for me to eat, what He made to go in my body and what He made for my body to digest. And this week as I've eaten real food and drastically less sugar, I have felt so much better about how I'm eating and what's going into my body, and I haven't been ashamed of what I'm doing to my body when I eat. It feels so much better and very freeing.

Second, as I was driving to work one morning, eating my oatmeal and drinking my unsweet tea (and feeling very proud of myself, I might add, I need to work on that), I saw a woman smoking a cigarette in her car and felt sad for her, that she was addicted, that it would be very hard for her to quit and that she probably beats herself up for smoking. I can identify with that with food. Or maybe she wasn't beating herself up, but I suppose...And then this thought dawned on me...when we do bad/damaging things to our bodies it's another form of self-hatred. We're hating ourselves by damaging ourselves further, whether it's through food or cigarettes or too much exercise or not eating enough or not exercising. And that leads to more self-hatred because then we hate ourselves for doing that to ourselves. I know some people may not follow this, but it stuck with me. When I put trash in my body, I'm not helping myself out basically. I'm hurting myself. I wouldn't let someone else abuse me with food. So why do I let myself do it? Point taken. I love it when God has little lessons for me in the car when I least expect it.

Third, other people don't always get it or like it when you don't eat like them. My sandwich got questioned and made fun of a little bit at lunch one day this week. It had bell peppers, cheese and spinach. I was just trying to get more veggies people. But I mean seriously. I'm not forcing you to eat it and I wasn't preaching about it or even talking about it, so back up off and let me enjoy my lunch. Sheesh.

Fourth, if my friend is opening up a restaurant and he wants me to have a biscuit and a coke, it's ok. It's not the end of the world. One coke and a white flour biscuit will not be the death of me. This is about changing the way I eat on the whole, not about being a food nazi and hurting peoples' feelings.

Fifth, I really do think I'm learning to appreciate more flavorful things. My husband made a pizza kind of thing with chicken, bell peppers, cheese, olive oil and herbs on nan bread this week and it was just like I could taste everything so vividly, more than before. I don't feel like everything is numbed by sugar.

Sixth, I did have a moment of sadness the first morning I realized I was actually drastically cutting back sugar. I was like, "oh I'm not having a dessert every day anymore and I'm not drinking sodas when I need my afternoon energy for 7th period." And that's when it hit me how attached to it I was, that I was actually mourning the loss. When I really processed that I was like, dang, ok this really needs to happen. I don't need to be this emotionally attached to food.

Seventh, when I do crave something sweet, I'm actually ok if I eat a banana, a Larabar or drink some Kombucha. Mmm...And those all have naturally occurring sugars, so they're ok!

So those are my reflections from this week of natural food eating. I think it's going well and I'm encouraged.

This post is a part of Fight Back Friday at Food Renegade.

whole foods (not the store) although I love the store

2010-05-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

Probably two years ago my husband and I came across this book. It totally changed the way we viewed food. We sort of followed the plan in this book for a couple of months (mostly veggies, very little meat, less dairy, more water, green smoothies, less sugar) and we both lost some weight and noticed we felt remarkably better.

But then we realized that while some of the things in the book may be right, they just weren't practical. For instance, this girl cannot live in a world without cheese and chocolate. I mean really. So then we tried to do it in moderation. Then we fell pretty much all the way off the wagon...and for the last few months we've been trying to get back.

I've been very convicted over the last year or so to live a very whole, natural life with a whole diet and natural exercise (whole foods, yoga). So I've been trying to eat a diet full of veggies, fruits and whole grains because I think this is the best way to go from everything I've read and seen. I think during the times when I've eaten less meat, I've felt better and my body has functioned better. This does not mean I'm a full fledged vegetarian. I just think for me, less meat works better. I could never give up my eggs and milk though. Never.

So I've been reading some good blogs about eating whole foods. There are a lot of great ones!
The Nourished Life
Nourishing Days
Musings of a Housewife
Food Renegade
And a lot more...
They're encouraging. They keep me up to date with what's important and what's healthy. And they remind me why I try to eat healthy, why I spend more money for organic stuff, why I buy "weirdo hippy" stuff, why it's important to me.

Today's most recent conviction from Musings of a Housewife is to cut out more sugar. It's just not good for us and it along with all the other processed food our country is addicted to and self medicating with is why we're the fattest nation in the world.

So I continue to trek down this road of trying to eat healthily and live more naturally...A few fun things we got this weekend at Organic Harvest in Hoover.
um yes please! hello!

And I got a Neti Pot! We'll see how it goes and hope I don't drown! Wish me luck!

Mamma

2010-05-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

I just feel like I need to share this with everyone I know.

Last night we went to eat with some wonderful friends of ours at Joe's Italian in Alabaster. This place is amazing. I mean amazing. First of all, the people who own it are real Italians. I mean they're so real they still speak Italian. If that doesn't make it feel authentic, I don't know what will do it for you. But that's not all. They walk around (their names are Joe & Mamma) while you're eating and ask you, "Everything ok?" And sometimes they put more strawberry sauce on your cake or explain that they don't serve garlic bread because that's not real Italian culture. I told you. Authentic.

And the food. Oh the food. There are no short cuts and there's nothing low fat about anything they do, but it is delicious. Their five cheese raviolis are as big as my head and so decadent. Oh and don't even get me started on the tiramisu. It's the best I've ever had. Ever.

But last night, Mamma did something that changed my life. She stands right by our table and starts swirling her red napkin in the air, looking very seriously at the accordion player (yes there's a real accordion player, wearing a beret), and then he starts playing this very Italian song, not sure the name, and she starts dancing while she's swirling her napkin. She moves and shakes her little hips. And I have not laughed that hard and clapped that loud in a long time. It made my week.

Oh thank you, Mamma! She did it three more times while we were there. She makes you get up and dance with her if it's your birthday. Be forewarned.

Mrs. Nice

2010-05-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

Well we're getting there people. Can you tell I'm counting down? It doesn't help that my first period class makes a HUGE deal about our daily countdown on the board. We get a different picture for every different number. I should be more mature than them and not so ready to give up, but hey, it's May 13th and I haven't had a significant break from the teenagers since March. Can you really blame me? (I really do love them, but I'm tired.)

One of my kids did tell me today that it's already summer. Um no sweetie. If it was already summer, I'd be at the pool and I would not have heard various versions of my name 200 different ways today. (Mrs. Schell, Senora Schell, sometimes I just get Schell).

I found a note or should I call it graffiti written on a cardboard box under one of my shelves today that said, "I love Mrs. Schell, NOT." And I got sad for about 5 seconds and then I remembered that I teach mostly 10th graders, and mostly 10th grade boys. Oh bless them and their maturity levels. And then I remembered what one of my scariest college professors said (in a foreign accent), "I am not here to win a Mrs. Nice Contest." And I repeated it to myself a few times until I my feelings weren't hurt anymore. She was right about that. You don't become a teacher to win a popularity contest.

So here we are...11 more days. I really will miss this year's group of kids. They're fun and funny and creative. I know they'll grow up to be amazing people. But for now, we're all dreaming of sleeping late and no more paperwork or homework...

three more weeks...two more Mondays

2010-05-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

That's the first thing I thought when I woke up this morning. And I don't think it's just me. While talking to my colleagues, I discovered, I wasn't the only one who was coaching myself along this train of thought as I tried to drag my rear to work this morning.

We were trying to figure out after lunch what is it about this time of year for teachers and students that's so dang hard. Is it that we're so freakin tired? Or that everything piles up into this time of year? Or that the kids just can't seem to follow the rules so close to the end of school, making everything more difficult? We never did come to a real conclusion, but my thoughts are that the kids are losing it this time of year. Everything has piled up. We're exhausted and we need a break. Can I just say that again? We need a break.

For some reason it's harder to get through this year than it has been the first two. I think the first two it was still new and maybe somewhat exciting. Now the excitement has gone, the exhaustion has set in and I'm over it. I just desperately long for sleep (no matter how much I get on the weekends) and summer. Oh sweet summer. With your long days free of obligations, stress, crying children and people saying my name all day. Beautiful summer when I feel like a real adult with a real social life and a real bedtime. Oh you're so close, but feel so far away.....

And I'm so tired just thinking about having to get through the end of the year stuff overwhelms the crap out of me. Three more weeks....two more Mondays.....

Disclaimer: I love my job and am extremely passionate about what I do, the people I work with, and the students I teach, but there are several reasons why we get summers. And right now the exhaustion level is nearing its max and I'm really needing that long break. I would not however, want any other job. I totally believe this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And I'll feel better doing it after I get a long break.

Our Sweet Father

2010-05-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

Probably a year or two ago when God really started to refine some emotional healing in me (also around the time I thought He was through with that and I was close to a finished product, HA!) I realized what a lack of sense of self I had and how many and how large my insecurities were. I asked God to show me who I was in Him. I asked him to give me a clear definition or picture or sense of who He created me to be because in all of the sin and experiences of myself, my life and this world I had lost that and I needed Him to give it back to me and in some ways re-create it. I can remember begging for that as I felt I was bleeding with insecurities and there are days I still feel so rawly insecure in that way, BUT over the past two years there have been milestones where I have really felt and seen God moving to answer this prayer. There are specific ways He has answered it in my life as well.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I have a high stress job where I am surrounded by teenagers every day and where I have to spend about 7 hours in front of these teenagers with some assurance of who I am and what I'm doing in order to accomplish what needs to be accomplished for things to get done. I also have to command their respect and stand up for myself when it's not given to me or other students.

This has been life changing for someone who 5 years ago didn't have much of a will or backbone when dealing with other people. Throughout my three years of teaching I have prayed for and watched as God has strengthened my will, and all of those true masculine qualities in me (you know, the commanding qualities that a teacher or someone in charge needs to have). And it's crazy now to me when I hear kids talk about being intimidated by me when my first year I would have done almost anything for that! I don't want to scare or intimidate them, but I'm thankful for a healthy level of respect. It's abundantly clear that He's used my job as a tool to form a stronger sense of who I am in Him.

I also don't think it's a coincidence that in my marriage God has brought us through some serious issues where I've had to call out and confront some things. Again, over and over, God has strengthened my will and assured me that I can do it and He is with me even when other people look at me like I'm a crazy person for confronting my husband for some behavior that needs to be dealt with.

And in the last few months I've watched as God has shown me again professionally how He was giving me back or re-creating my identity in Him. For a little background info, I think I've spent most of my life trying to be the better version of someone else. I've always been emulating other people and until the last few years, haven't been the person God made me to be. I've always sought out attributes in others that I loved and added all those together to make one person in me that I liked. Well that's just a composite of a bunch of other people and that's not what God wanted when He made me. And in teaching the last two years, I have been copying what other teachers were doing for various reasons (lack of instruction, overwhelmed, trying to keep up, lack of creativity, wanting to do the best thing), but I recently discovered how miserable I was just trying to do what someone else was doing all the time and having no ownership in my own lessons. So after some processing, I talked it over with some people and I'm going to try to be creative in my own lesson planning again.

Ok, I know that sounds like, so what, big deal. But for me this was more than just taking back ownership of planning what I do every day in my room. It was like taking back part of my identity as a teacher and as a person. And I know that sounds melodramatic and it probably is, but it was a HUGE emotional shift for me professionally and personally. After I made this switch, it was like a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could breathe again because I wasn't stifled anymore.

It just feels great to know God is still working on a prayer I prayed or begged him for 2 years ago. He is so faithful.

Another lesson God has taught me over the last two years in finding my identity in Him is I have to keep my eyes on Him. When I focus too much on myself or others, I lose it. I lose my focus, period. That was huge for me. My mom was telling me today that she was reading a book about insecurity and that the way you get over insecurity and deal with it is to find your passion. I agree that doing something you're passionate about can really help in finding your true identity. It really has helped with me. It has been the pathway God has used to teach me a lot of stuff, but I think the key to letting go of insecurity and finding who you really are in Christ is to take your eyes off of yourself and everyone else and to put them on Him. And while you're focused on Him, stop trying to be a better version of everyone else, stop striving period. Just be. Just let Him guide you, love you and form you into the person He created you to be and He'll lead you where you're supposed to go.

Isn't it wonderful to know that our God heals our insecurities? It feels so good to know that because I know that so many women struggle with so many insecurities and fears about themselves. I love that the God that formed the roaring oceans and the billions of stars cares about my little heart and wants me to feel beautiful and that He'll keep working with me until I do. How sweet is He?

as we near the end...

2010-05-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

We only have three full weeks of school left. Can you hear the shouts of, "Hallelujah!" echoing from teenagers and teachers everywhere? I know I can. It's not that I'm unhappy with my job because trust me, I have done some soul searching about if this is the right career for me...and I believe it is. We just desperately need a break. From teaching, learning, the day in, day out routine, from each other mainly.

And as we near the end of it, I notice we are slowly losing the ability to control ourselves, mostly our mouths. A few examples to provide entertainment...

Last week while watching a movie about Spain (there was a Spanish actress on screen) a student says rather loudly in the middle of the movie, "MILF." Awesome. So, I then asked him if he'd like to explain to his mom what a MILF is. And then I tried to explain to him how awkward that conversation might be. So he stayed after class to profusely apologize and assure me that his mom does not, in fact, know what a MILF is and neither does his dad, because while watching GLEE his dad had to ask what that was. He also assured me that he does not want to explain that to his parents and that he would not say that again.

Yesterday in the middle of first period a kid just blurts out that he has no underwear on. And then informs us that if he threw something down the hall during any class change at any point, it would probably hit 5-10 people that were not wearing underwear. Then he looked at a friend and said, "Do you even own underwear?" The friend said, "No."

I mean really? Just stop talking.

These same boys asked me why we were bothering with such "petty rules" as dress code so close to the end of the year. Because we don't want to see your nakedness. That's why. Gross.

I just ask that you keep your clothes on and your mouths closed for 14 more days, children, please.

the only exercise I love...

2010-05-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

I know...gasp. Love and exercise in the same sentence from me should make people's heads spin and eyes pop. But after you get over that...in the last year or so I've found that there is in fact a type of exercise that I enjoy and can keep myself doing over and over again, even when I'm sweating. I know, gasp again.

And that exercise is, drum roll please.....YOGA. Oh I just love it so much! Every time I try to do any other kind of exercise I just feel like I'm punishing myself. I feel like it's just one more form of self-hatred I'm engaging in. And trust me, I have to work real hard to stay away from that. So why would I want more of it? (By the way: I do not think that people who do other forms of exercise are engaging in self hatred. I feel that way for me. Maybe because for me, it was just another way of me trying to be like someone else I'm not, you know running, when I hate running...more on that later.)

When I do yoga I feel like I'm being kind to my body and like it can say, "Ahhh..." And I'm not talking weenie stuff either. I do the hard stuff. I mean I'm no pro, but I did manage one of those support your whole body on the back of your arms kind of poses for a few seconds a couple of weeks ago. I soon fell backwards, but hey, I did it for a few seconds and that's progress! And when I do a shoulder stand and then the thing where you put your feet backwards behind your head, I get so excited that I actually did it and didn't hurt myself or someone else!
(That's not me, by the way.)
I just feel so strong and good about myself when I stand up off the floor after I'm done. And not in a prideful, I'm better than other people kind of way. But in a healthy way, I feel like my body is strong and just did some cool things and I think every girl could use a little of that.

And oooh the benefits!

Abuse

2010-05-06T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'm so sad about the lacrosse player that died at the hands of her abusive boyfriend. I hurt for her, her family and her friends. I'm so saddened by the fact that the signs were there and no one knew what to do. And now they can't do anything. And I'm angry that he was allowed to be so out of control.

I think stories like this hit me extra hard because I was in an abusive relationship in college. Now, because of that, I am super passionate about educating young girls about the signs of unhealthy relationships and showing them how to get out of those relationships. I am so thankful for the friends and family I had surrounding me during that time that pulled me out of that relationship, and I want to give the girls I teach as much info as I can about abusive, unhealthy people so that they won't get into those situations. Abusive, controlling people are so manipulative and controlling that a lot of times, the girls in relationships with them don't see what's going on until it's too late, unless they've been educated to see the signs beforehand. And I think as a high school educator that's something I should be teaching my kids.

Tomorrow and next week in my Peer Assistants class we're going to be talking about the signs of an unhealthy relationship and how you know when someone is being controlling and manipulative, and how you safely get out of that relationship. I sincerely hope to save them from any future pain or trauma of any relationship of that kind. To conclude our lesson we're watching the movie Enough.

This is seriously one of the most empowering movies for women I have ever seen. When I was in that relationship in college, one of my friends took me to her apartment, sat me down and made me watch this. She did a lot that year to keep me safe. (She later keyed that guy's car.) I love you, sweet friend. God put a lot of key people in my life, family and girlfriends, to probably literally keep me alive and sane. Thank you Lord and thank you to those very special and patient people.

So I think what really is the hardest thing about those news stories like Yeardley Love is, she could have been ok. She could have gotten out of that relationship and recovered and gone on to marry an amazing man. That's what really sucks and makes me want to throw up. I know I don't know her, but I hurt to know the pain of being with someone like that and knowing it could have turned out differently and it turned out like this.
I can't stop thinking about that.

And it reminds me of how broken and fragile I used to be and in what a dangerous place I was. Things could have turned out a lot differently for me. I am overwhelmed and overflowing with thankfulness as I look around me and feel safe, happy, in love, with a great husband, great job, great family and great friends. My life didn't look this way 8 years ago. People say God doesn't do miracles like He used to. I totally disagree. If I could show you a snapshot of my life at this time in 2003 compared to now, you'd believe me.

quitting the bloat

2010-05-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

In my quest to be healthy I've thought about giving up sodas for a long time, considered it, pondered, and then been horrified and wondered how I would get through a day of 150+ teenagers sans diet dew. But my addiction has become pretty heavy this school year. I have one soda every morning to get the day started. Then one following lunch and sometimes another after that. All of that caffeine and fake sugar cannot be good for my body. Plus I think it's making me more bloated and I doubt it's helping the migraine problem.

Now,I am always talking about eating whole foods. I am seriously convicted about this EXCEPT when I have my 3 sodas a day. (hypocrite). :) whoops. Then I read an article about how sodas lead to premature aging in your bones and tissues because over the last 10-20 years they have been adding more phosphorous and phosphorous leads to bone and muscle deterioration. So in my efforts to keep all things in my life healthy and whole, why not stop the sodas (for the most part) now? I mean really? I can have coffee or tea in the mornings and I don't need all of that caffeine anyway. So I started and it's been almost a week. And I haven't died or spontaneously combusted.

What has made it easy? Amazing coffee. Ugly Mug from TN.

I mean seriously, this coffee makes me sigh and say, mmmm...And there are several foods and drinks that make me do that in all fairness, but they have to be really good. I love holding my warm mug with this in it. I could never drink soda ever again for this stuff. I think I'll make some soon. Mmm... Ok anyway, and Izze natural sodas. They're natural fruit juice with sparkling water, so no soda junk. Just fruit juice, water and a little fizz. Yum!

So I think at least for this week, I've kicked the soda cans to the curb! We'll see how it goes! Wish me suerte! (luck)