When it gets hard...

The Lord is faithful in all his words and kind in all his works. The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You and You give them their food in due season. You open your hand, You satisfy the desire of every living thing. Ps.145

So almost two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. After months and months of praying for this you can imagine how excited and thankful we were. I downloaded more pregnancy apps than I would care to admit, started telling family and friends and planned the next nine months if not two years of my life.

Then, last weekend I started showing signs of miscarriage. And my doctor appointment Monday morning confirmed it. When he told me, I kinda felt like I had been punched in the stomach or that I might puke right there in the doctor's office. I didn't, thank the Lord. There was just a lot of crying.

Why am I writing about something so personal and private on the world wide web??? Because no one really ever talks much about this. They may say twenty years after it happened, oh yeah, I had a miscarriage, but no one talks about it in the middle of it. And even if people did talk more about this process, there's no step by step book about how you grieve the loss of a child you never met, but definitely felt a connection to.

So, while I'm still an emotional wreck, I'd like to at least type out what the last few days of grief have been like/what I'm learning through this process. And I know I'm not the first or only person to ever go through this, but it is a profound sadness like I've never experienced before. No amount of break ups or other kind of loss can prepare you for the feelings of losing an unborn child.

Before I start, please know that I'm not deluding myself or trying to stuff what I'm actually feeling. I have cried more than I thought possible and tried to continue to give that grief to the Lord. The blessings I've been experiencing even in this loss are not my "good Christian way" of making myself feel better. I am actually experiencing God's grace and strength in this process.

One of the first things I've noticed is that God's grace has been overwhelming in this situation. And that's not just some fake spiritual mumbo jumbo. I mean I can really feel Him sustaining me and saying to me over and over again, "This will not overcome you. No sadness is too much for me to bear with and for you. I love you and I'm sorry." I can feel His compassion over me and for me as I grieve this loss. I also am comforted knowing that the child I was blessed to carry for six weeks is with Him now, already made perfect in His kingdom, in unbroken communion with the Father, and really what else could you want for your child?

Another huge blessing in this is I'm not at some huge crisis of faith. I'm not saying that if someone is, that's wrong, but when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified that if something happened to the baby it would cause me to doubt God's goodness, and that even though He has recently done some huge healing in my heart with the way I see Him, that might not stick if things got hard. He has so gently shown me since I thought I was having a miscarriage that my default was not to question His goodness, but to turn to Him with how I was feeling. He's shown me that if nothing else comes of this, the knowledge that He is good and He loves us and wants the best for us has really sunken down deep into my heart. That is a HUGE shift from how I used to see and relate to God.

For someone really afraid of dealing with emotional or physical pain, this has also taught me that God will sustain me no matter what and He will help me shoulder the burden of whatever pain I'm feeling. It may suck and it may hurt like hell, but He will bring me through it and has never and will never abandon me.

 Let's be real about the hard part of all this, it really does suck. I wanted that baby. I was so excited about that little life and amazed at the fact that it was growing inside my body. One of the crapiest things about being at the doctor's office Monday morning and finding that out, was all the sad looks I got from people as I walked by. They all knew and were sad for me. I appreciate their sympathy, but in that moment, I didn't want pity from the 8 months pregnant moms. I kinda just wanted to be invisible. The staff at the office was great, but nothing can really prepare you for finding out you've lost your baby and then having to walk by all the moms with all of their kids. Yes, that's how I really felt. And the thought of having to try and wait and go through that whole process of getting pregnant again exhausts me. Just thinking about all the emotions we've been through wears me out, but I know God will provide us with a family, the family He has for us. I know He knows our children before He starts forming them in my womb. And I know He is trustworthy with my emotions and my future and He is with me every step of the way.

God has also shown me what amazing support I have in my life. Our friends and family have been amazing the past few days, offering countless prayers and wonderfully sweet emails and phone calls just to encourage and lift us up. And while of course that doesn't take the pain away, I am encouraged by the fact that so many people are praying for us and empathizing with us. I'm overwhelmed by the love in our lives even as I feel all of these emotions.

So all that to say, this has been an up and down experience and I know I'm not finished grieving yet, but God is giving me the grace to see the blessings in all the sadness. He has provided for us and will continue to do so.

And while this is one of the hardest things I've been through, I've never felt God's compassion so closely or so heavily on and around me. It's like a blanket that's covering my life as I continue to process my feelings with Him. I am so thankful for that.