Update

So I wrote that last post the week after I found out I had the miscarriage. That was a tough week, ending with Mother's Day on that Sunday. Ugh. I don't want to relive that ever again.

BUT...I want to also write some things I've learned while processing that experience.

First, I learned to LET GO. I am not the giver or sustainer of life. God is. I can't do His job. I have to trust Him with everything. And that means I have to stop trying to prepare myself for the worst, which is something I've always struggled with. He really taught me through this experience and a couple of other hard ones in the last few months that He is in control, I am not and whatever happens, He will be there to catch me when things get really hard. That was one of the best things about going through all that pain, knowing that my pain was not too much for Him. He will always be there in the hard, excrutiatingly painful stuff and the extremely happy stuff. There is a place for my pain to go. He died to take not only our sin, but the pain we experience as well. And so when things feel unbearably hard, He is there ready to take it at the cross. What an amazing and beautiful thing.

Second, I learned more about His intimate compassion for us. One night while I was really hurting and actually pretty angry that He has allowed this to happen, He said, "Stephanie, I know what it's like to lose a child. I know this pain and I'm so sorry." What an amazing God that we love, that He knows how all of our pain feels. He is so near to us, even when we're angry and He knows exactly how we feel.

Third, and this is the biggest one for me, I learned that my salvation and my relationship with God is not dependent on me. To explain that a little, because of some teaching I received a couple of years ago and because of my own guilt complexes and struggles, I started to really doubt my salvation. I think I had probably always thought I had to work to earn God's love, and these last two years just highlighted it. Well when I got pregnant I was afraid that if I lost the baby I would have this huge crisis of faith and doubt God's goodness. He had really done some great healing in my heart about how I see him right before I found out I was pregnant, and when I lost that, something so precious and something He knew I had wanted for so long, I was afraid I would lose the healing He had done and not see Him as good and loving anymore and maybe become hard hearted towards Him. Well, praise God that He didn't let me go down that road. I did spend some time after the miscarriage being pretty angry and angry at Him, not understanding why He would allow that to happen. And as He pulled me through that, I realized I can choose. I can have a faith that is dependent on understanding why every bad thing happens and on understanding all of the complexities of the sovereignty and permissive will of God OR I can be ok with not understanding the Creator of the universe. And I can trust Him even though I don't understand. That was huge for me to let go of the need to figure it out and just trust that He loves me and has what's best for me even when it doesn't feel like it.

And as I looked back a couple of months later on how He had really begun to heal my heart from the grief of the miscarriage and I was thinking about how He really did pull me through that, I thought about how much He pursued me  during that time, and even when I was angry, He didn't turn away or leave me. And then He said, "Right, because I am the pursuer, our relationship is because of my pursuit of you and has nothing to do with what you to do earn it." And then it clicked, I think for the first time in my life, that I don't have to earn it. He loves me with an everlasting love and has known me and pursued me since even before I was born. When you get that, it completely changes the way you relate to God. What an amazing blessing, what amazing grace, what an amazing God.

So looking back, of course I'm still sad that I lost that baby. And what I learned through the process of losing him (we feel like it was a boy) was amazing and life changing, but would I change things? I'm not sure. I think I will always be sad for losing that child. But I am also thankful for God's faithfulness in teaching me more about who He is through such a loss, and I know that our first child is in Heaven with the Father and really what other place would I want my children to be?

I'd also like to say before I say something else that I really came to that place about 2 months after the miscarriage when I had no idea if I would be pregnant again or when not because I'm super awesome, but because God did that without distracting me with another pregnancy and I really appreciate that now. Praise the Lord.

So now...I am pregnant again. We heard the heartbeat yesterday and we are so thankful. I'm struggling not to worry, but I know that whatever happens, God will be there when it does.