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Saturday, September 17, 2011

Pregnancy Processing

So I'm about 15 weeks in and where do I start?

Ok, first, I love being pregnant. I'm so thankful for this sweet little friend growing inside me, I can't express it enough. Even though there are things that are uncomfortable and scary about this process, I'm so so so thankful. I'm past the sickness part and also SUPER thankful for that. My appetite is growing exponentially it seems. I ate more for dinner last night than I thought possible and still wasn't full and today I had two lunches. I've never felt this constantly hungry and if I wait too long to eat, it's not pretty. I've never been a grumpy hungry person before, but now I am.

Second, teaching while pregnant is really hard. I'm on my feet all day and they swell more than usual. I'm just more tired, don't have my regular energy and yes of course, more irritable. I try to be patient with my sweet kids, but sometimes, I just can't do it and I get really frustrated really quick, so that's always a challenge. Thank the Lord for sweet kids in all of my classes this year.

Third, I'm really realizing that my struggles with perfectionism, fear and worry are kinda intense. With the perfectionism: I'm not a Type A person who has to have everything perfect all the time, but when I want to do something well, I want to do it perfectly. Take this pregnancy for example. I want more than most things to mother this child rightly. I want to be the mother God intended me to be and love and nurture this baby without anything getting in the way or screwing this child up or giving him/her issues. Of course that's not possible. I'm going to do things wrong and mess up and have to apologize to him/her one day for several things probably. So I'm working on renouncing the pride of perfectionism. It does come from pride, thinking that I could do it perfectly for even a second and not being humble enough to admit that I need to stay humbly kneeled before Jesus constantly relying on His help.

I'm also having a hard time not worrying. I mean I know it's normal probably to worry, but I feel like it's constant with me and I want so badly to enjoy this pregnancy. This comes from my tendency to try to prepare myself for the bad I think, and not trusting God to just help me handle it if something bad does happen. I keep remembering, I have nothing to be worried or sad about. Everything has been positive. We've heard the heartbeat 3 times and had an ultrasound last week and he/she looked perfect! So I'm also working on constantly giving my fear to the Lord and focusing on Him and not my fear. Being afraid and worrying is kind of my attempt to control things so I have to constantly let go of having control and trust God with it.

So that's where I am. Just wanted to write all of that out, more for me to go back and read than anything else. I can't wait to have a big belly and I'll post pictures of that later. Can't wait to meet our son or daughter. :)

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