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Monday, April 16, 2012

Confessions of a new mom...

So we're five weeks in and where do I start? There's just so so much to say about this whole process. Before I start, I want to say that I am more thankful for Sam than I can ever begin to express. He is just perfect and amazing and I love him more than I thought possible. Now with that said, I want to be honest about how difficult this process has been. Some people don't do well with moms being real about the how hard this is, but I have to be honest when processing things. I just can't pretend that hard things are rosy all the time.

First I need to say, having a baby is the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life, and I've done some semi-hard things. This is a full contact, team sport and not for the faint of heart or body.

Labor & Delivery
I found out at my 39 week appointment that I had preeclampsia, which is pregnancy induced high blood pressure. The only cure is to deliver the baby and since he was already considered full term, they induced labor the next morning at 7:00am. I was in labor for 12 hours. My epidural wore off after a few hours so I was pain free for some of that time, but most of the time I could feel it. More importantly, the 2nd epidural wore off by the time I started pushing and after pushing for 2.5 hours without one, I was begging for them to get him out no matter how it had to happen. I was very opposed to a c-seciton before that, but that kind of exhaustion will make you desperate. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he came at 7:30pm.

The thing I remember most about delivery was how alone I felt and how afraid I was. Sam was kind of stuck for a while and I was afraid that if I pushed hard enough to get him past the stuck point it would really hurt. I also knew that no one could help me get past this. I had to do it myself. That was the only option. And I remember looking up and seeing the crucifix hanging over the door in my hospital room and feeling God remind me of what the cross is about. It's not just our one time claim of what Christ did on the cross that's so amazing. That is amazing and would be enough, but one of the wonderful things about the cross is that Jesus suffered and died there to take all of our pain and all of our sin. And I felt God saying to me, this is where your pain goes. Take it to the cross.

God also reminded me of the awesomeness of Emmanuel, God with us. When Christ came, he changed everything because God was no longer separate. He is now, in Christ, forever WITH us. And as I looked at the crucifix I was reminded of how Jesus was with me and I was not alone.

I promise I'm not trying to over-spiritualize having a baby. When something is really hard, usually God uses it to teach me something and I'm so thankful that He got through to me even in delivering a baby.

The First Few Weeks
People told me the first few weeks of having a baby were hard, but no one could have prepared me for how hard the first two weeks really were. The cocktail of hormonal adjustment combined with serious sleep deprivation and having no clue what you're doing all come together to create two weeks that are pretty hellacious. Was I so excited to have Sam? Yes. Do I ever want to do those two weeks again? No. There's just so much: lack of sleep, uncontrollable crying, the physical pain of recovering from delivery, and having to adjust to being needed 24/7. We're five weeks in now and I'm just now starting to enjoy this.

The biggest thing that has helped me cope is LOTS of prayer, not super spiritual prayer, I mean middle of the night crying out to God to make it easier and lots of conversations with God that include me mostly crying and not knowing what to pray. Another thing that helps tremendously is other moms telling me that how I'm feeling is normal. I just need to know that other people have been through this and felt these same things and made  it out to the other side.

Through this process I've been overwhelmed by the support of family and friends. So many people have brought us meals and prayed for us and told me over and over again that it gets better. And it does, little by little keep getting better. I'm still melting down every few days, but not every day.

Praise the Lord that he entrusts us with His precious ones.


  1. I am just getting caught up because for some reason my blog reader list is jacked up. Anyway, being needed like that is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. No matter what, someone else comes first, not matter the request. I have to be honest, it took me months to adjust to Aaron, and he supposedly could articulate his needs better than an infant. I would beg to differ some days. I hope you've reconciled this within yourself. It's hard. No one is prepared for it. And it's not always, if hardly ever, pretty.

  2. Yeah the being needed all the time is tough. I'm sure you can relate to that with what you're going through. But it is getting a little easier every day and I'm learning to be gracious with myself. I'm encouraged by the fact that almost everyone feels the same way and gets through it. I just want to do this well SO bad and that's overwhelming too. Ugh. We're all getting there, one day at a time and even though it kills me, I won't do this perfectly and God will have to make up for the rest.